How should I spend my time?

A huge thing God is impressing upon me right now - well, really, the last several months - is: ASK ME HOW YOU SHOULD SPEND YOUR TIME. Yeah. Now, if you have met me, or maybe even read my blog for five minutes, it might be clear to you that I like to do lots of things, I'm pretty confident in my ability to do lots of things, and lots of times I like to do lots of things all at once. 

This amazing and/or exhausting aspect of myself, depending on who you ask, was thrust into the spotlight this past summer due to my husband needing me to, let's say, sort some things out. Just because I COULD do lots of things all at the same time didn't mean that I SHOULD, especially when those things were driving my husband to Xanax. TL;DR I had to bring all this to God. 

Eventually I felt God saying: ASK ME HOW YOU SHOULD SPEND YOUR TIME. 

This is not what I wanted to hear. 

But what do I do? I say Yes. I said FINE THEN and grumped about men a little bit and then really did try to put things before God. Probably the biggest one, at that time, was how involved I should be in the school boundary stuff. Because I REEEEEALLY wanted to be involved. I wanted to TAKE CHARGE. I was SO frustrated by no one taking charge and you guys, I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CHARGE and the lack of organization and communication was driving me bonkers. But I brought it before God and God said NO. I KNOW. I was all, "ARE YOU SURE?" And God said, "Trust your husband." Phillip was just starting to get weirdly involved - I say weirdly, because while I do lots and lots of things, Phillip prefers to do No things and his willingness to expend so much energy in this department was not the norm. God also said, "They'll let you know when they need you." They being the folks already involved. 

So... I did. I mean, I didn't. I didn't do anything. I sat back. I stayed out of it. I trusted Phillip to communicate well (he did) and I waited for people to need me (they did) and the thing they needed me for (writing the Official Statement) is something that I could do well and you GUYS. When it was all over I realized how much energy I could have wasted fighting and striving in directions that weren't going to go anywhere. It was never organized or well-communicated, but other people needed to be in front for this project and they got the job done and pretty much everyone agrees it's a Miracle the school board voted our way. Almost as if God knew what was up, knew what part I needed to play, and protected me from exhaustion, drama, and beating my head against all kinds of walls. HUH. 

As the weeks have gone by I've sort of forgotten this piece of direction. Because I really really really REALLY wanted to be the person to host the school boundary celebration, I didn't ask God about it, didn't even think of it, and forced it into being. And only two people came. (One person even had a super bizarre ER emergency that night.) Was that just the way things go sometime, or was that God saying, "Um, excuse me, weren't you supposed to ask me first?" I mean, most people will assume the former, but the kind of person I am, the latter sure makes an awful lot of sense too. I volunteered to teach an after school art class next quarter. Didn't ask God. This one I feel like God is cool with, but still, it would have been nice if I'd asked first, right? Oh, and I also volunteered to be part of this school leadership team thingy and the jury is out on that one. Kind of afraid to ask God at this point because I'm not quite sure how to get out of it if he says, "Yeah, that one is a no."

ALL THAT TO SAY. Right now I find myself in a Direction-Less place and I'm recognizing my impulses to go after ANYTHING. 

I am SO aware that Emma is going to be in school full time next year. I'll be a SAHM with no kids at home during the day. This is when other people go back to work. I have nothing to go back to. I'm not sure I WANT to do anything. But that isn't stopping me from coming up with nine million different ideas. In the last week I have: 

• researched being a foster parent
• researched getting my Teaching English as a Second Language certificate and where I might work
• written the first chapter of a middle grades novel
• spent 2 days researching Syria charities and how to raise money for one in a way that wouldn't freak Phillip out about taxes (go here to donate!)
• decided we need to live in Europe for a year and basically planned it out

SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME. I mean, I cannot be a foster parent AND live in Europe. I can't do ALL of those things. After the Syria thing I remembered something a friend said to me recently: "you aren't happy unless you're working towards something". And OH, I think she is RIGHT. And guess who I haven't asked about how I spend my working-towards-something time.

I very much want to be working on something. I want a PROJECT. I want to be eyeball deep in something big and amazing and real. But I don't have anything like that. Not right now. I think the last thing I had like that was the bakery, and the bakery is its own functioning entity and not in a place of growth or change and while it's still this cool thing I do with my sister, it's not the exciting thing it was before. I'm no longer learning anything or discovering or creating something new and I realize I'm just CRAVING THE NEXT THING. 

And I feel like God is saying: Not Yet. 

GAAAAAHHHHHH

I mean, I still haven't properly sat down and asked him yet, because I'm pretty sure that's what he's going to say. If I'm completely honest, he's being saying Not Yet for a while now. But I am just... I feel READY! Bring it ON! Whatever it is, I want to be doing it now. 

But am I really ready? I don't know. Is Phillip ready? He's the one who doesn't deal well with my diving-into-things. Are my kids ready? No idea. What am I supposed to wait for? Dunno. 

I do trust God. I believe that whatever's next for me is good and real and probably amazing because, hello, it's God. The author of my life. He doesn't write boring stories. But MAN do I want to jump ahead to the end. 

I had this flash in the car tonight as I was driving home from my parents' house. Something someone said on the podcast I was listening to, about wanting to be able to spend time with kids at home. The flash was like: if you had all the opportunities I want to give you right in front of you, you wouldn't be able to say no. 

I think right now is a time of saying no. No to heading up the school boundary charge. No to hosting the umpteenth Christmas party. No to many things that will tire out my husband. No to going after certain relationships. No to things that will take time away from the kids. 

But I feel like this is in all in preparation for something. Well, maybe I am just HOPING it is. Someone could say HELLO, WISHFUL THINKING. But... I don't know. I feel like there's something in the obedience and the waiting and the submitting to God of my time and I really do think there is a Next Thing. And whatever it is, I'll be better prepared and ready if what I'm doing NOW is what He wants me to be doing. So I guess I need to ask. SIGH. 

Comments

[Katie]

Oh Maggie! Me TOO! This whole post is exactly what I've been struggling with the past 6 months. I was all set to orchestrate a way to have our family live abroad for a year or two (my husband's only stipulation was that our youngest must be potty-trained)....And then I found out I was pregnant and couldn't even tell anyone (because I was DONE with babies) and then at 9weeks I miscarried.
And now of course our youngest is potty trained and I've already told the world (including my dentist - who even tells their dentist these kind of hopes and dreams??) that we'll be moving abroad.
But my husband and I went to reconciliation and spiritual direction and we keep hearing God telling us NOT YET.
I love how you have shared this post so that now I can ask God how he wants me to use my time. Because clearly I am lost and I hate waiting but I do trust in Him.
P.S. Look at how God blessed you with the donations flooding in for IRC??? When we are obedient the grace just flows!

[Arianna]

I love this. I want to ask God what He wants me to do, but here's where I get stuck: I don't know what his answer is. I mean, how do you know when God says, "Nope, don't do that" or "Hold off, young lady" or "Go ahead, this is where you need to be" ?? This is something I've always struggled with- I haven't ever felt or heard the will of God clearly in my life so I'm always stuck wondering if it's just my own inner voice I'm hearing in the back of my head. What are your thoughts?