The Case for Being Sad

On Wednesday nights during Lent my parish holds a Taize prayer service. All the churchy meetings also take place on Wednesday nights, so if you have a meeting during Lent, you go to the Taize service first (about a half hour) and then head over to your meeting. Everyone finds this very centering and peaceful and devotional, except for me, who sort of hates it. 

I mean, if I haven't made it clear before, I'm just going to come right and say, with no small amount of shame: I don't like Lent. The entire time I've been a thinking adult, and especially the entire time I have been reading Catholics on the internet, I have been trying to get myself to like Lent. Everyone else does! Well, maybe "like" isn't the right word, maybe the right word is "appreciate". I can't even do that. 

So I'm sitting in that Taize service last night being extra super grumpy. MAINLY because my children were DREADFUL all day long and I didn't want to be at church, I wanted to be in a spa. YES I KNOW HOW THAT SOUNDS. Whatever. I'm sitting there and I'm trying, I really am, to Be Present and all that, but it's hard. I just can't. It's dark, it's slow, the music is dirge-like, the cross laid out on the steps before the altar depresses me, I look away from the lit up crucifix, it's just SAD. 

And then it occurs to me: I don't like to be sad. 

What a revelation, eh!? NO ONE likes to be sad. But while everyone else was kissing the cross, I was counting up the times when I've resisted Sad, when I've actively CHOSEN to NOT be sad. Can you do such a thing? I can!

It helps that I've had a relatively charmed life, that nothing in the way of extreme pain or loss or hardship has ever come my way. It's true that I've never had to confront days, weeks, months of Sad, and I don't know how I would handle it. (I'm guessing not well.) But all that aside, just my personality is one of hope and optimism and glass half full, often to an annoying degree. Even when I'm crazy person anxious, I'm not sad so much as worn out and fearful, and even then I always think tomorrow will be better. Depression - what's that? 

If I've ever had a period of prolonged sadness or depression, it happened when I was 15 and moved to a new school. I have droned on and on about this many times, so I won't do it again, but it really was incredibly miserable. I think I even knew at the time that this wasn't ME. I did not GET this way. What was WRONG with me? 

It lasted the entire school year, though I struggled against it the entire time. I did not like myself that way. I was not someone who lapsed into Sadness and couldn't get out. I was better than this. I distinctly remember comparing myself to some of the new kids fresh from the States, who HATED living overseas (or maybe just their new schools) with every fiber of their beings, and made no bones about it. For these kids nothing was worth it, nothing was interesting, nothing here could be as good or better than where they'd been before. There were no malls! No McDonald's! THEY HATED IT! And man, those kids drove me crazy. I couldn't stand them and no way was I even going to REMOTELY resemble them and their crappy attitudes. 

I FORCED myself to like that place. I really did. And you know what? After a while? I liked it. Sometimes I even miss it. How's that for crazy?

I'm thinking about all of this in church, because as far as I can tell, you are supposed to be sad during Lent. I am oh so fully aware that my understanding of the proper Lenten Attitude is elementary at best, that it's possible I have no earthly idea how to BE during this season. Penitent? Chagrined? Resigned? Contrite? Guilty? Ashamed? SAD? 

I don't know how to sit in those feelings. In fact, my clear inability to acknowledge Sad in my life, and my numerous personal vows to stop being sad about certain things, resulted in a handful of Extreme Anxiety Triggers. Once I figured this out I had to teach myself to at least ACKNOWLEDGE the Sad. I couldn't just say I WASN'T sad. Burying feelings led to nothing good, this I knew, so the next best thing is to wave hello at the sad and then punt it as far as possible from the premises. That's kind of where I am now. Years and years later I am only capable of very short moments of "Dude, life kinda SUCKS right now, I wonder how my little self is handling all of this", and then it's right back to Handling It.

So what should I BE in a Lenten Taize service? I know how to be in confession, but this is forty straight days of confession. Ish. I don't know. Oh, the lament of the poorly catechized. I feel like I am supposed to be sad, but I know the ending. Right? It's not a sad ending! ARGH.

I have a feeling this is the stupidest thing you will read on the internet all year. OH WELL. THIS is how dumb I am, so go at it. WHAT AM I MISSING? Or is my resentment at having to be sad covering up something else, like, say, a massive lack of humility? Ugh, if that's the case I will have to think about this another day. I may not be sad, but I AM tired enough to sleep until Easter. 

 

Comments

[BettyDuffy]

You crack me up. And I'm not sure I've ever thought about how I'm supposed to feel during Lent, so I'm glad you brought it up. I've never particularly enjoyed Lent myself, because it causes you to do one of two things: either sacrifice something, and feel that self mortification which is so painful but leads later to feelings of accomplishment, or freedom, or a deeper sense of Christ's suffering--and feel gratitude-- OR fail at sacrificing, and feel like a chump.

I hate self-mortification, even though it leads to freedom. I hate failure and feeling like a chump even more, but it's the easier way to feel so I'm better acquainted with it.

But I don't think we're obliged to feel sad. It's a solemn time, and a hopeful time, and a time that if we're doing it correctly should bring a a deeper relationship with Christ--which is a cause for rejoicing.

I feel sad though, when I know I'm doing it wrong and yet I don't change, when I haven't stuck with my sacrifices, or I gave up something stupid, or I do the fasting, but not the prayer and almsgiving (or any combo of the three).

I would like some year to have a perfect Lent--whatever that means. But if nothing else, Lent always informs me of my weakness, and my need for a redeemer, which again, since I have one, should make me very glad.

[Sarah in Ottawa]

I am not sure that I can answer your question, but I totally understand your dislike of sad. I can't read most contemporary fiction for that reason, and I have to avoid many *significant* films for that reason. I hate saying goodbye or any sort of ending, focusing on 'next time'. And Lent isn't my favourite liturgical season, either.

I am not the best catechized Catholic, either, but FWIW: During Lent, I try to focus on why I'm being penitential. He died for me, so I can do things to be closer to him. I can deny myself things, causing some suffering to give me just a taste of what his suffering was.

I may not be doing it right, either. But I think YOU'RE right in not losing sight of the happy ending, either.

[AmyRyb]

I think sometimes I harden myself to sadness. I purposely avoid watching sad movies or ones full of death and destruction. I sometimes don't let myself think too deeply about problems in the world, because me getting sad about them really isn't going to change anything. I have enough to worry about in my world without adding stress that technically doesn't involve me. Perhaps that makes me self-centered, but I choose to believe that I'm insulating myself from the depression of a sad world. I don't know if this is even anywhere near what you're talking about, but anyway...as for Lent...I am Lutheran, not Catholic, but here's my take. Instead of being sad at Lent, I think it's just about pondering Christ's sacrifice, being in awe of what He gave up. We should be grateful for it, and find self-worth in that fact, that God loves us so much that we were worth it. Not a self-centered worth, mind you, as our greatnesss comes from God Himself, but believing that each of us is truly special. I don't think Lent should be sad, because like you, I know the happy ending. I think it's a time of reflection, appreciation, and inspiration to be a more devoted Christian moving forward--because if Christ could sacrifice for us, we can show devotion to Him. Hope that helps...

[Jennifer]

I agree with this post one THOUSAND percent!!! Everyone I read is like, "Oh I love Lent," "Lent is the greatest time of the year," "I completely enjoy living without wine and chocolate and peanut butter and all the things that make me go *CHEESE* because I enjoy this sacrifice." And I'm the sinner in the corner (probably sneaking wine AND chocolate AND peanut butter) that's like, "I CAN'T WAIT TIL EASTER ALREADY WHERE'S THAT BUNNY???" :) Apparently I also can't get into the "proper" frame of mind because, in my head, I know that Jesus comes out the other side OK! And the rest of mankind is better because of it! Obviously I hate that he had to go through all of that for us, but being down and sad and ignoring His impending RESURRECTION just doesn't jive with me. I always feel like such a bad Catholic this time of year...

[katie]

Is it bad that I love Lent for the Friday Fish Frys? As a kid, we almost never went out to eat. But then Lent came along and Friday became the weekly night out for a Fish Fry - complete with potatoe pancakes and applesauce.
Which means Lent was not a very sad time for me. Sorry I'm no help.

[Meghan]

Maggie, I am not Catholic but I love lent. For some reason I need that enforced sort of simple, sacrificing whatever. So, maybe you could side step the sad aspect and focus on that? Is that OK if you are Catholic? Meghan