WELCOME! Here is my not-terribly-eloquent attempt to grow closer to God via... blogging. Unfortunately for you, I'm not sure what that means either. I guess we'll find out!

I'm 30 years old, married to an IT Guy and a stay-at-home-mom to two spectacularly gorgeous children. While we attend Mass on Sunday mornings, I spend the entirety of the Eucharistic Prayer focused on making sure the baby uses her crayons on the bulletin, not the pew

You can read more about me at Mighty Maggie and more about my Catholic and not-so-Catholic background on the Official About Page. Thanks for visiting!

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« I think this is probably the hundredth post I've written on this topic, MY APOLOGIES | Main | Ahead of schedule »

02/14/2011

Comments

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Kristina

This post tugged at my heart strings and I'm not sure why, as I'm not experiencing anything like this in my life. Maybe because my marriage has had such a facelift in the past year that I appreciate now, more than ever, the sacrifices and compromises you have to make to make a marriage work.

It's so hard. It's hard to feel like you're giving up more, and especially hard to accept the things about your spouse (whether they are situational or a matter of personality differences) that are less than ideal.

All I can say is that I've found that the hardest things my husband and I have endured have also been the things that brought us closer together, and closer to God.

Carrie

You're doing an amazing job. It's been an inspiration to me, seriously. Hang in there, my friend.

ANNIE

I LOVE THIS POST. You totally made me cry. There is more to say, but that's what email is for. xxoo

Dr. Maureen

Wow, Maggie. Thanks.

Christina

Um, so, I totally stink at this. Totally. When Hubby says "I need to travel for work" I say "NO." And then sometimes I say, "fine, go." But other times? I say "no and HECK NO." Because the world falls apart every single time he leaves town. I swear. Which just goes to show that I have some serious growing to do in this area... because you're right, that's what "dying to self" looks like.

Salome Ellen

This immediately reminded my of a song -- "Don't You Think I Count?" by Marie Bellet, who is a mom, Catholic, and AWESOME. I couldn't find it to listen to for free, but you will not regret buying the track (or heck, the whole album -- What I Wanted to Say -- or anything she's done.)

BettyDuffy

My husband has one of those jobs where he is always on call to cover a pretty big territory. He's a travelin' man, and never knows too far in advance when and where he needs to be. I feel your pain.

It gets to me too, that he always has the ability to walk out the door unfettered, and he knows I will be here. He can stop somewhere on his way home, and the kids are covered. Meanwhile, I can't make a dentist appointment without alerting a crowd to cover for me, planning wrenching, then making sure I come right home so that I don't wear out or exceed my childcare.

It helps to find ways to look on the bright side, make lemonade out of lemons. I have my own little university here, a financially supported life to pursue whatever reading or writing I feel called to do. I have good friends to call when I'm feeling it, who won't give me bad advice just because I complained about something. There are many pros.

But you're right, nothing makes up for the lack of him, and that just stinks until he's home.

AmyRyb

Wow, that was deep. To soe degree, I feel your pain. My husband works a crazy job with weird hours for not-great pay. I used to work at the same place, but left because my boss made me nuts and I realized that if we ever wanted to have kids one of us had to leave. So I did, five years ago. We have a 2-1/2 year old son now and I still work full time, albeit at a different place with normal hours. But because his job is more demanding, I'm at the mercy of it...evenings, weekends, travel. It's hard. I hate when he goes out afterward and when I get no time for myself because I'm on the hook for my normal job and then for all the times he isn't around. I don't get to go out, shop, or really do much for myself, and I'll admit I'm not always the most gracious. It's hard. I know that we're blessed in so many ways, but I so wish he'd give up the dream of the job he's in now (the industry is his dream, this job is a living hell), and find something more normal, more stable, better paying...because someday, ideally before baby #2, I'd love to work part time and embrace the motherhood thing a little more. That was always the hope (not necessarily the plan) but it's been at a standstill for a long time and it's wearing on me. I admire you as a SAHM, and for being so supportive of your husband's goals...but I don't think it's too much to ask, once in a while, to get your way. Or at least to feel like your can voice your opinion and let him weigh the pros and cons from both his position and yours. I'd say there are a lot of good reasons for him to skip that conference, but maybe it's really that important. But instead of just saying yes out of duty, maybe it's your duty to be the voice of your family and discuss it like equal teammates. I don't want this to sound like I'm encouraging you to stage an uprising, but don't be afraid to express your feelings if it's something you really believe in, for the good of your family. You're doing an amazing job, btw :)

Shelby

I think what you said at the end is really profound, and probably exactly right. I'm glad you decided to post this, Maggie.

Charlotte

I think about this all the time. All. The. Time. Someone once told me that in every relationship there is a flower and there is a gardener. You don't have to stay in that one role forever and ever, but there can only be one of each at any even time. When I first heard that idea I thought I could totally get on board with it. Then, as I was rolling this comment around in my head, I realized that this means there will always be an Oprah and a Stedman. I love Stedman in the special way you can love the scarcely seen partner of a talkshow host you've never met. However! I don't know if I have what it takes to be a Stedman. It's not even about sacrificing the spotlight, but being swallowed by this other person's wants, needs, desires, goals. The idea alone is overwhelming.

Senseless rambling to say: This evening's libations will be consumed in your honor.

Sarah in Ottawa

I've had this page open for over a day now, and haven't yet been able to comment. I'm sure I'll do it inarticulately, but I want to do it anyway.

So often, the things you say write give me a wake-up call. This is no exception. And while it's not necessarily what I WANTED to hear (who likes to hear that they're wrong?), it was exactly what I needed. Thank you!

katie

Not that my opinion counts for anything, but, I COMPLETELY agree with Amy's comment above, particularly this part:
"But instead of just saying yes out of duty, maybe it's your duty to be the voice of your family and discuss it like equal teammates."

I totally get that P is your sole financial provider, so of course it makes sense to always say YES, YES, YES.
And, I truly understand the importance of sacrifice.
But for me, God and Family are always the first priorities. (I think its a Catholic family values thing that has been ingrained in my being since birth)
Job and Work-related obligations fall later down the line.

Finally, what IDIOT plans a big conference on Mother's Day!?!?!

BKG

My first reaction would be that your husband needs to read what you wrote here. If he can read it and still think that he still needs to capitalize on this one more "opportunity" than he and I have a difference in values and we will have to agree to disagree. But, here are the beginnings of my thoughts.

Opportunities? Work opportunities? What about the opportunity to raise his children? To be there on a Mother's day to celebrate a mother who has up until now forgotten that she lives as one with her mate. I have to echo an earlier commenter who talks about God and family as a priority over work and oneself. With small children, with children (heck even without children), decisions have to made that reflect your decision to marry, to give your lives to one another. When my husband and I got married, we did not marry our jobs, or our children, we married one another, and promised ourselves to one another forever. IF we believed in this sacred sacrament, than we needed to 'man up' (no pun intended, really), most especially as newlyweds who really didn't know how to put all of it into practice, and start making decisions that reflect those values. Otherwise, what are we living for? What are we married for? We become what you have described, people who are watching a life that they did not sign up for play out in front of them.

One last thing. I think sometimes (as wives), we forget (and I am so guilty) that our husbands being "providers" does not only mean $, but also involves emotional providing and providing with their presence. I think husbands also misunderstand it too and don't even realize how much their simple presence can provide for us. It's gotta come down to more than just, he's trying to give us the best life possible, so he works and goes to school and does this and that. For me, there is more to the 'best life possible' than that... And again, maybe that is a value difference, I don't know.

Laura

I just wanted to say-- I've been there, you're doing a great job, and it's worth it. I could have written this post about 7 years ago and it would have been titled "on love and the junior faculty." I took on the lion's share of the home and child duties while my husband invested in his early career, laying the ground for a stable, fulfilling lifetime of work. It's a season, it ends. Balance will return, because your husband loves you and your children. Two years ago, my husband stepped up and supported me while I finished grad school and traveled to conferences did a job search. We're a team, but that doesn't mean that we always divide the work equally in any given season of our family's life. And that is okay.

Congrats on baby #3 by the way! We have three kids too and it's a blast. Hang in there! :)

Meghan

This made me cry. It's lovely.

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