I am probably going to cry while I write this and then if I manage to click "Publish" I will die of instant humiliation, but maybe some of you know what I'm talking about, maybe you've been there. And this is such a huge part of this weight loss thing - my LIFE, really - and I've been feeling like I can't really close up shop on this website unless I get this out. So.
Maybe I was never fixated on my weight because I was spending all my body image-related energy on my bra size. My mother bought me my first bras in fifth or sixth grade and it's been a dysfunctional relationship ever since. I never knew what to do with these suckers. I mean, it's not like you can really hide them.
I "went out with" a slew of pre-pubescent boys in junior high and from my nearly 30-year-old perch I'll go ahead and chalk that up to being well-endowed. In high school I struggled to find a sports bra solution that worked- I ended up just wearing regular old sports bras OVER my real ones, something I was totally ashamed of until one of the coaches noticed and said she had to do the same thing. I was never teased or singled out for embarrassment in school, but I was mortified plenty of times by lewd and cruel high school boys. Objectified, shamed, with a tiny twinge of relief because at least there was something about me boys found attractive.
I wasn't thin, but I was a totally different size on top than I was on the bottom. Things never fit me. Sometimes even the largest size wouldn't button or zip up. I never dreamed of wearing anything strapless. I'd seen those strapless bras and there was no way one of those things would work on my body. My friends would talk about not needing a bra, or they just wouldn't wear one after a Friday night game and we were going out in search of dinner - what a totally foreign world.
I gained weight in college and I just got bigger and bigger. But you know, by that point I wasn't even noticing. This was just me. Who I am. The way it is.
Sometimes I'd go bra shopping and the 38Ds wouldn't fit. It never occurred to me that I was BIGGER than that. I just thought I had to find a different brand. You know how they all fit differently.
I asked my aunt to make my wedding dress. Partly because I wanted my aunt to make my wedding dress. She'd made my prom dress, which I loved, and I wanted almost the exact same thing, only in white. I thought it would be so special, to get married in something made especially for me, by a family member I loved. I also wanted my aunt to make my wedding dress so I wouldn't have to suffer the humiliation of going to wedding dress stores, where there appeared to be only strapless dresses, and not fitting into them. I know, now, that much heavier women than me have been married in strapless dresses, that they have a million sizes, that there are all sorts of torture devices for shoehorning any body into things, but I didn't know that then. The thought of trying on dresses in those stores that don't have mirrors in the dressing rooms - I just wanted to die. And even with my aunt making my dress, I don't know how many times she cut the bodice before it fit.
A couple years later a friend of mine asked me to be in her wedding and my first thought wasn't, "I'd be HONORED!" it was "Would I have to wear a strapless dress?" I couldn't. I just couldn't.
There were so many things I couldn't (or wouldn't) wear. So many requirements. I remember my mom saying something about how I didn't let my weight keep me from doing anything I wanted to do (this is after I'd lost it, she's not THAT mean) and that's true. I knew I was on the heavier side, but I wasn't all that upset about it. What I WAS upset about was my stupid bra size. Talk about holding yourself back. LITERALLY.
Several years, two children and 30ish pounds later, I have a new bra size. I never thought this was possible, folks. And yes, I do have nursing to thank (well, first I must thank nursing for the size F nursing bras HOLY GOD) for part of it. Post-nursing boobs are not a happy topic. But between that and losing weight I found myself in the department store a month or two ago buying bras a full cup size smaller than my old ones. And I tell you internet, NOTHING felt better than that. Not fitting into my pre-baby clothes, not fitting into a new pants size, not wearing a bathing suit in public, NONE of that compared to the day I found myself in a Target dressing room trying on a size Medium button down shirt AND BUTTONING IT. Yes I DID have a full on Ugly Cry in the dressing room.
I have known very few people with this problem and it's been a lonely and embarrassing place to be. I never thought I'd be able to wear some of those cute summer empire-waist tops, just like I thought I'd never be able to run a mile without stopping. The boob thing trumps the mile thing by... miles.
...so I was sitting here deciding whether or not to post this collection of random sentences when I decided to get my wedding dress out of its box and try it on. For kicks. And. Oh you guys it is huge. It's the simplest plainest empire-waist white dress in the world, with a top that was pinched and darted and fitted and yanked into the right place about twelve million times before the wedding and now, this dress that was made to my exact measurements no longer fits. It gapes. It falls off my shoulders. It's too wide and too long and I cried again. I cried because I remember the embarrassment of trying on the first draft and the frustrated frown on my aunt's face, and I cried because I felt sorry for and proud of myself, all at once. A relieved, triumphant, apologetic, non-linear cry.
This post is absolutely beautiful and I related to all of it even though I still have the weight to lose AND I don't have big boobs. Seriously. It was just written that way so that EVERYONE could relate. I'm so happy for you.
Posted by: Jess | July 15, 2009 at 07:32 PM
Hoooooorayyyy for the smaller boob size! I SO UNDERSTAND. I remember my mom (who is V. well endowed) always saying wistfully when I was a tween, wishing for bigger bra size, that they are really not that great and they just GET IN THE WAY and now I know, boy do I know.
I used to be a 34B (like 10 years and 25 pounds ago). And as my weight crept up, so did the cup size and then my nursing size was a 38E. It happened so slowly, I got used to them. Then I saw one of my oldest, dearest and most brutally honest friends approx. 6 mos after Baby Number 2. She said something to the effect of "Damn, you really do take after your mom" and I kind of chuckled and said "ha ha, yeah they are kind of big". And she said "NO, MORGAN, they are ENORMOUS". And then I looked at her 34B's (so dainty! So small!) and my 38E's and almost had an ugly cry right then. UGH!
I only can hope and pray that as I lose some weight, mine shrink too!!!! You give me hope!
PS - My mom's sister is so flat chested - an 32AA cup is too big....imagine how that felt when they were teens, FOR BOTH OF THEM.
Posted by: Morgan S. | July 15, 2009 at 08:02 PM
Great post Maggie. It's crazy how even when we think we have no issues with our bodies it turns out we do. 15 pounds from now I have to write a similar post called legs. I agree with Jess - my issue isn't boobs but WOW do I relate. On an only somewhat related topic at our place, if my husband comments my boobs look big he always means well but I am CRUSHED because bigger boobs always means weight gain has occurred. Tears.
Posted by: Lindsay | July 16, 2009 at 06:19 AM
Even though I am like, the opposite of busty, I can still relate. Post pregnancy/nursing boobs are scary. Well, for me at least. Nursing is still going on in full force over here and I am totally NOT looking forward to deflated barely-B's when we're done.
But yay for you and your victories!! Great post.
Posted by: Tara | July 16, 2009 at 05:05 PM
Maggie, I know I haven't been commenting or reading much lately, but I am super proud of you!
(And vicariously excited/jealous that you have normal size boobs.)
Posted by: jackie | July 17, 2009 at 06:43 AM
Oh Mags. I thought for overnight about what to say about this because I wanted to come up with something wonderful to say, but nothing.
I mostly just want to give you a hug.
And to say that I think you are beautiful, just the way you are. And that I am so sorry you were so unhappy with yourself, and I am so happy for you now that you are feeling so much better about the boobs. And I must insist that you go buy a strapless dress and wear the heck out of it.
Posted by: Elizabeth | July 17, 2009 at 08:52 AM
My issue is so totally boobs! Boobs and shoulders. Even if my boobs fit in something, my huge German Plow Shoulders won't deign to cooperate. I'm built kinda like an inverted triangle, and trying to find things that fit are ridiculous. This is even more motivation to lose weight so that it comes off in the bra region.
Posted by: Liz | July 17, 2009 at 09:29 AM
Thank you for sharing your story, it's really very sad to know the kind of humiliation you felt during school days, but I feel there is a reason for everything. Now the bottom line is your happy and that is what matters!
Nicole
Posted by: Nursing Tank | November 13, 2009 at 01:52 AM
Too good post, thank and keep posting like this.
Posted by: Nursing sports bras | December 05, 2009 at 02:53 AM
That sounds like fun! Parents need some adult time once in a while..Sagging boobs can be a rough realization for a woman. Exercise helps prevent saggy boobs. Since breasts are made of muscles too, the ligaments and tissues can stay in shape with the help of some power walking and jogging.
Posted by: Katelyn Betterton | March 26, 2012 at 07:16 AM