Where the Catholic Sun Doth Shine

Investing

So that "Ministry Idea" I had? To start something groupy and sharey at my church? Yeah, not doing that anymore. Not because I don't think it's a good idea. I think it's a fabulous idea (like ALL of my ideas, natch). But I just don't have it in me. Not right now. 

Part of it is just what's going in my life, which is school/work/kids in whatever kind of order it is when all of it is first. People ask how Phillip is doing and if they aren't close to us they're always surprised to hear that he's working full time AND going to school, and then they always say something like, "How does he do it!" And then, because I am kind of a snot brat, I say, "ME!" But then these people ALWAYS bow their heads and nod and agree completely and I'm sort of taken aback because... well, I guess I'm right! I take care of the kids and the house and the bills and the food and the calendar. I always think, "Well, I would be doing those things ANYWAY." Because that's how division of labor in our house tends to work out, and both of us like it fine. But there's definitely an element of loneliness when you add school into the mix, or maybe I should call it Separateness. Phillip is so entirely swamped in HIS thing that I can't possibly ask him to be aware of MY things. 

(Although he is. Because he is awesome. And we are making it work. The end.) 

But there's another part, which is the part where I don't really want to invest in other people right now. That sentence is horrible because of what I'm saying and also because I use the word 'invest' which SO reeks of non-denominational college fellowship that I once banned a roommate from using it in conversation. But it happens to be true. There are personal and not-so-personal reasons for this, but the truth is that I have a lot of really fantastic people in my life and I am happy with just them. For the first time in years I am not stressing out about a complicated friendship or some needy acquaintance and oh my gosh it is so nice. I think for a long time I felt like I wasn't being a good Christian if I wasn't giving 110% to all my relationships, even with the people I didn't like so much or the people who were just really hard or confusing. It wasn't really about not being able to say no or anything like that, but just sort of making sure I had time and mental space for everyone. I felt like I was MANAGING a lot of things, if that makes sense, and not necessarily getting anything out of it, let alone enjoying it. But that's what you do, right? This is how you love people. Be with them, get to know them, participate in their lives. 

(I THINK my love language is Quality Time.)

Aaaand... YEAH. Done with that. I'm at this point where I feel like: Here are the people I love, here are the people I'm "invested" in, all the available slots are full. I still feel kind of horrid saying that, but it's been a really healthy (BARF) thing for me to grasp. I was praying over a particularly rotten relationship at one point and I just felt God saying: let it go. It's okay to let it go. And now? SUPER HUGE FAN of letting go! 

I feel like God has talked to me a lot about this over the last two years or so. I'm the sort of person who doesn't like to have acquaintances - if I'm going to spend time with you, I want to be besties. But you can't be besties with everyone, which I know intellectually, but I feel like I would try anyway. Even when I didn't particularly click with someone or when that someone wasn't necessarily good for me. I just felt like I wasn't being true to myself or true to God or acting out my faith if I wasn't trying my best to grow deeper in ALL of my friendships. I probably drove a lot of people crazy, now that I think about it, with my Need To Be Close. But it also was hard on me, in ways I didn't see until things got overwhelming, until just my basic life got overwhelming. I have KIDS. I have a husband with a crazy schedule. I can't do what I used to do. I needed to stop expecting that of myself. I needed to stop thinking that things were only good if I was getting closer and closer, becoming a better and better friend. 

I think I told you about that one time I was praying and Jesus was sitting at my kitchen table, pouring me a glass of wine and in the driest tone of voice telling me to chill out. SO many things needed chilling out. Is it weird that Jesus had to give me permission to stop caring? To tell me that'd I'd done my piece? That I didn't have to do it all? 

It's not like I won't pick this back up at some point, right? I like to start stuff and be in stuff and get other people to do stuff. But maybe when school is done. Maybe when my kids are a teeny bit older. Maybe when it doesn't feel so exhausting to stick myself out there. Maybe when it starts to sound fun and less like potentially painful work. 

Could I BE more vague?

So you know how I was all, "I want to do MINISTRY and I don't HAVE to do it in the Catholic church! SO THERE!" Well, now, of course, I have this Idea for a new sort of something at my own church. Specifically for Catholic women. Mmm, this humble pie is delicious. 

One thing I've noticed, in my admittedly limited experience, is that the Protestants are pretty on top of ministering to the Youth while the Catholics are, uh, not. I think it could be argued that the Catholics are not so great at outreach in general (AGAIN, in my admittedly limited experience!) We are awesome at serving the poor (there are seriously nine thousand million ways to help feed the hungry at my church) but small groups always die, young adult ministry struggles, and there's nothing out there for young mothers. As much as I eventually decided I hated MOPS, at least it's something! 

But another thing I wonder: it seems like a lot of Catholics aren't interested in faith sharing groups, whatever they may be, and is that because Catholics aren't the types to be interested? Or because they're just unfamiliar with that culture? Or some third thing I haven't thought of? This interests me GREATLY. I think about it often, but I am easily distracted and I have yet to come upon The Answer.

Even before my detour into Protestant Youth Groupiness I was interested in faith sharing (that's exactly why I ended UP in the NDCF). And I miss it. I have it amongst certain groups of friends and I value it immensely. Over the years I've been involved in various groups at church, all trying in their various ways to Grow and none of them exactly panned out. Or they lasted exactly as long as they were supposed to last and that was it. Which is fine. Not everyone craves it like me. It's not necessary. And perhaps my experiences aren't very common - maybe it IS this hard, and not just for Catholics. 

ANYWAY. I have this little seedling of an idea for a faith sharing group for my demographic at church. And it's weird, because the whole time it's been growing in my mind, I haven't been particularly excited about it. This will sound strange, but I think that's a GOOD thing. Usually when I have ideas they tend to be Grand! Ideas! and I get all control freaky about them, I don't want help, I want to be in charge, I have a specific vision, I have super high hopes, I am completely inflexible about the possible outcomes. I want to SUCCEED. (Hello Type Three! You rear your vain little head again!) But this time... eh. I have an idea. It may or may not work out. I'm not sure if anyone would even be interested. And I most certainly do NOT want to be in charge. I know I will have to do the organizing and asking around and working with the powers that be, but I don't want to be the one, you know, LEADING IT. I am not good at that - and do you know how hard it is for me to say that? OH HUMBLE PIE.

Yes, I know I haven't really told you what my idea is, but to be honest, a lot of the details are still very fuzzy to me. I talked to a not-Catholic friend the other day and she gave me some really great ideas, so I need to mull those over. What I want is to create a place where women in my stage of life can come and talk about God - but a SAFE place. A no pressure place. Where there are no expectations, at least not at first, and where you can participate as much or as little as you'd like. I mean, the HOPE would be that EVENTUALLY it would be deeper, people could be talkier, people would GET it. But my feeling right now is that there are a lot of people who are seeking SOMETHING, possibly something like this, but aren't quite sure about it, or what it is, or whether they really do want it, or they're suspicious, or it's just totally new. Maybe it'd be a total bust, but it seems like something my church could at least offer. 

HOW to do that is another pile of thoughts. I am picking through that pile right now, keeping, tossing, saving for later.

But... that's the [fuzzy, wispy, not-quite-fully-formed] idea.