Where the Catholic Sun Doth Shine

High Horse: Am On One

Did I tell you that I had a big conversation about Becoming Catholic with the girl who cuts my HAIR? I don't think I did. This was a while ago, and she was more of the Lapsed Catholic Now Considering A Grand Return, If It Wasn't For Her Not-Religious Husband And More General Objects In The Way sort of person. And again I had to restrain myself from busting out the YAY JESUS! and tried to be a normal person, at least a normal person with her hair all wet and unattractive-like, while she cautiously then more openly gave me the history of her own faith. (It just CAME OUT. It was kind of awesome.) I so wanted to be encouraging, but I never know what to say. In the end I feel like maybe it is just enough, at least in that moment, to be a Young-Ish Person Who Believes In That Stuff And Says So Out Loud. 

(The "young-ish" isn't going to last much longer, is it. Oh well.) 

Anyway, between her and my Inquirer and, believe it or not, about nine million coments sections on posts about NFP, I have been THINKING. Mostly about "meeting someone where they're at" and I just wonder if such a thing is even possible. I'm starting to think only God can do this. Or people who are extraordinarily gifted. (Read: NOT ME.) 

Say my stylist and my Inquirer are at one end of the spectrum. Some Protestant people I know would say they are "young in their faith". I would agree, though I feel awfully young in my faith as well and therefore should just keep my mouth shut. 

THEN you have the people who write comments on NFP posts. If you have not ventured into the murky depths that are those comboxes, they are, more often than not, filled with people attacking from the Right. By which I mean... well, they are writing things like, "REAL Catholics shouldn't use NFP EVER!" The words "contraceptive mentality!" are bandied about. They're talking about the RIGHT WAY to do NFP or the idea that even NFP isn't truly "allowed", when, in my experience, hardly anyone knows what NFP IS. In my view, those people are well on the other end of the spectrum. I don't know if it's true to say they are "old" in their faith (you know what I mean) (though I'm sure many of them are) but they are certainly not people who are wondering about exceptions for abortion and women priests and gay marriage and some of the other hot topics that a lot of people-considering-the-church have issues with. I mean, they are not sitting around going, "Do I REALLY think the host turns into Jesus' ACTUAL BODY?"

Does that make sense?

Anyway, those NFP comboxes drive me up forty-seven walls. Not least because I feel like it's a bunch of hard core Catholic infighting. Not that those fights aren't worth having (and man do they make ME think) but I often end up wanting to shout: do you know how many Catholic couples have never even HEARD of NFP? Don't you think you should be talking about THAT? Or how many Catholic couples hear of it but laugh it away? Or how no one ever mentions it? EVER? Shouldn't you be starting THERE? 

In all the NFP comboxes I have immersed myself in (and that would be a lot) I've read exactly one comment saying, in effect, "Perhaps we should try meeting people where they're at."

YA THINK?*

But this is not about NFP. (Man, I wish I were brave enough to write about that. But not now!) 

It's just... it's easier to infight. You know? It's easier to get all up in someone else's business about what you know to be true and how they're obviously doing it wrong. Why try to generously, quietly, lovingly listen and attempt to encourage someone who is young in their faith when you can get into these heady holier than thou arguments instead? 

Like, it would have been a lot easier to take some of my Inquirer's questions and turn it into a Discussion About Abortion. Or about Marriage. Or whatever. I am fairly well versed in the rules for those things and have gone through a similar struggle abotu What I Think and I, personally, think MY views on the topics are the most enlightening and easiest to understand and obviously CORRECT. It would have been easy (had I the stomach to talk about Controversial Things) to school her on what are undoubtedly real and important issues related to being A Churchgoer. 

It is NOT as easy to have humility, to understand that you yourself are in a different place, that someone who has yet to struggle through certain issues can't be expected to fling off years of living a certain way in order to fulfill what they see as The Person They SHOULD Be If They Are To Be A Churchgoer. 

It is REALLY hard to sit there and be quiet, and even harder to have to answer a question without 1) compromising what you believe and 2) discouraging someone who needs encouragement more than anything. 

You either have to be super gifted at this or content to swallow a lot of what you think you should say. I am neither super gifted or content - I swallow because I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing. 

I know there are places for infighting and super intellectual debate and, yes, hard core NFP comments that make me feel less-than even though they are not written expressly for me and I should probably not read them in the first place. I totally respect people who can GO there, you know? Again, I don't have the stomach for it. And I just don't think that's where I'm supposed to be anyway. I am no apologist. I am no theologian or minister or grad student or even Super Smart Thinky Person. My gift is to feel empathy for people who are searching - empathy that lasts weeks, months, years in some cases - and to lift them up where they are. As much as I write through it and try to figure it out, I don't know how to meet them. I know God can. I know he does. 

Anyway... what is the point of me writing this? Er... I guess I'm just feeling frustrated by my inability to do this well, and what I see as an inability of others to even try. Just call me Judgy McInternet! 

Next time: when the Protestants in the room heard a bunch of Catholics discussing baptism and murmured amongst themselves, "how weird..." It was kinda funny. 

 

*I realize those comment sections aren't typically the places Inquirers go to for information. But they just often feel un-loving to me and make me worried about WHAT IF an Inquirer reads it. My thing, not theirs. Have at it, NFP commenters! You DO provide me hours of stress, if nothing else. 

I sort of hoped to write my way through it, but it didn't work this time

I am still reading up on the Enneagram. Shut up. 

I finished Helen Palmer's (secular) book and I just borrowed Richard Rohr's (with a Christian perspective) today. After reading HP's version of things I couldn't tell if I'm a One or a Three. Perfectionist or Performer? Anger or Deceit? I closely identified with traits in both descriptions. I decided to forget about it for a while and think about it later. It's later now, and I've just read this snippet of description in RR's chapter on Threes: 

To be healed and redeemed, Threes, like Twos, must learn to be alone. Both need a place of silence and seclusion where there is no public feedback, no applause, and no admiration. Contemplative prayer and silent meditation are the appropriate "prescriptions". But the path into the depths is wearisome and far. When Threes begin to discover their inner world, in the beginning they generally make that into a project too: they want to meditate successfully. It takes a while before they notice that the point is to do nothing, to learn nothing, simply to exist. As soon as threes learn this, they will make the effort "simply to exist" and "to learn nothing" with as much success as possible. The fruitful way into the depths demands a great deal of patience from Threes and the readiness to experience nothing spectacular for quite a while, or to be confronted with their own hostility, boredom and superficiality.

So, um, I think I've figured it out. (emphasis mine)

There are two things I take from this. The desire for success (and spectacular success at that) and the desire for applause and admiration. These things are fuel for my warped little psyche, a somewhat humiliating thing for me to note, but RR assures me that I'm supposed to feel humiliated when I finally discover my type. 

It took me two years to hunt down Success and Admiration in the NDCF. After a life spent being good at everything (and if I wasn't good at it, I immediately bowed out so as to better maintain the image) it was horrid having to sit out all the important meetings and decisions in the NDCF. Didn't they know I'd be awesome at it?! 

But someone helped me find my niche junior year and I started leading prayer groups. I was good at prayer. Is that a horribly obnoxious thing to say? But I was. At least, it looked like I was. And I desperately wanted to be. I felt I had a place, and not only that, I had some clout and respect. I was known. I have gifts in prayer, and at that point the best thing about those gifts was the way they made me special in everyone's eyes. Success! (Some of it spectacular!) And admiration! 

Then I graduated. I church shopped. I wondered what the hell I was going to do NOW. Because you KNOW the Catholics weren't going to dig my Gifts. There aren't any Catholic churches positioning the members of the prayer team near the altar in case you are Suddenly Afflicted and need an insta-line to God. There aren't any 24-hour prayer campaigns, no prayer walking, no laying of hands, no "let's pray about it and see what happens!" group prayer. And if they DO do some of these things, it's with an entirely different attitude. Lots of rules, lots of caution, lots of annoying skepticism. What a DRAG.

I'm not a totally unredeemed Three, however. I knew I took great stock in my own self. Perhaps this is even why I felt it was safer - safer for my salvation - to remain a Catholic. 

And yet, I struggle. I struggle SO MUCH. For a long time I thought about running away with the Charismatics. For many reasons, the chief one being "it just doesn't feel right", I never went this route. And in the meantime I've read books, I've talked with Learned Ladies, I've experimented in this group and that one. And the whole time I feel that the answer is in front of me: to sit, to be still, to be with God. Alone. 

I just can't do it. 

Well. Let me think about it. I think I CAN. I can do it for MAYBE thirty seconds. And then, after a thirty second tangent on, say, what we're having for dinner or how my knee itches, I can do another thirty seconds. And repeat. (In summary: I am bad at it.) 

Lots of people have this issue. I'm not special. But the other thing I am loathe to admit is that I think I don't want to sit and be still. I'm bad at sitting still in the first place, no matter the circumstances. And beyond that, I've had the most amazing Religious Experiences in which I am most decidedly NOT alone. Beautiful fantastical things have happened in GROUPS. When I am caught up with everyone else. When I have a structure, an outline for prayerful success, when I have an opportunity to share my gifts with others, by which I mean, impress them. (In summary: I want the applause.) 

When I say I think I'd make a much better Protestant than a Catholic, I mean exactly that. 

When I tell you I've stopped reading nearly every Catholic blog on the internet, simply because I cannot measure up to, nor can I figure out how to duplicate, their quiet, dignified, contemplative, solitary, exquisitely holy ruminations on how to pray the Liturgy of the Hours with toddlers or how good it was to go to Adoration yesterday evening, I'm not trying to be mean or negative - I'm envious. I haven't a clue how to do what they do.

Yet, here I am. Catholic. Convinced beyond a doubt that this is where God wants me. Trying on a new Catholic hat every year, hoping that something will stick. Am I good with people who want to convert? Should I help administratively? Do I have something to offer the spiritual life of my parish? Can I whip coffee hour into shape? Do I mold myself into a Catholic prayer group member? Do I start my own Catholic blog? 

I AM SUCH A THREE. (In summary: hopeless.)

I have so much more to say about this. My experience with anxiety factors so completely into nearly every facet of this Enneagram stuff. How uber-aware I am of my need for affirmation, and how it has the opposite effect sometimes, of keeping me from doing things I think I should do. Why I think writing is good practice. Why I BLOG, even. But nap time is over, if the whimpering from downstairs is any indication. 

Good stuff I read this week

I loved - LOVED - reading this not-Catholic's observations about her infertile Catholic friend. As a one time infertility blog glutton I've read dozens of vitriolic, abusive, anti-Catholic posts on this topic, as well as dozens of defensive explanations. But this blogger is honest and open in a way I really appreciated, and I could relate to so many of her questions. Nineteen thumbs up!

I am new to Elizabeth Esther (and someone recommended her on my last post! AHEAD OF YOU!) and her post today was pretty powerful, especially this part: 

This is why I think being right is over-rated. Understand: I'm not saying truth is relative. But I am saying that in the chasm of what divides Christians, there are bridges that span the breach.

AGREED.

And I really liked Jen/Conversion Diary's (possibly my FAVORITE churchy blog) post about having a word for the year... I saw other people doing that and my thoughts were a lot like Jen's, but then she found a word and I found it inspiring. Of course, not inspiring enough to think of my OWN word. That would be too easy.

If you read anything good, give me a heads up! I just asked a blog friend to freshen up my reader and her suggestions are my New Favorite Blogs In The Universe, so I am on a KICK! 

Not holy

I've been airing my dirty laundry on the internet for some years now, and while I wouldn't say I'm a Catholic blogger (far from it!) I certainly don't hide the fact that I'm religious, actively so. Before this grad school business I was heavily involved in my parish, not to mention that faith is a big part of my marriage and many of my friendships. It's my LIFE. 

That said, I have very few Catholic/religious blogs in my feed reader. I used to have more - a LOT more - but after I had kids I slowly stopped reading them, eventually deleting many of the links altogether. I am faithful to a few, but for the most part, the real Catholic bloggers were giving me a serious inferiority complex and I had to break up with them. 

I am so ashamed to admit that, you have no idea. Seriously. But I would open up those new posts, read through, and spend the rest of my day feeling bad about myself and my various failures. Or calling my mother and asking her if SHE thought I was lacking in the Catholic motherhood department. Posts that had seemed inspiring and challenging now felt judgmental and impossible. 

I have to tell you, I'm not thinking of any one Catholic blog when I tell you this. Honestly, most of them run together in my memory. The day I figured all this out had to do with some post a Catholic mother wrote about eating dinner together. She had something like nineteen children and lived on a farm in Greater Middle Of Nowhere and was breastfeeding twins and homeschooling ten kids and teaching the other seven how to fix toilets and plant squash. SUPERMOM, okay? And here she was talking about how she gets dinner on the table every night, six sharp and everyone eats together. EVERY NIGHT. 

(Perhaps I am exaggerating. But not much.)

And she wasn't BEING judgmental. Nowhere in her post did it say, "And you, Maggie, what is YOUR problem?" But oh, the garment-rending that happened after I read this post. I am easily intimidated (You: WE KNOW) and this was just unbearable. I only have two kids! I am a STAY AT HOME MOTHER. My job consists of laundry and putting food on the table. That's it! And yet, at that time, figuring out how to get my family of four to eat dinner all together, even once or twice a WEEK seemed beyond my capabilities. 

It wasn't just eating together. It was homeschooling, family prayer, catechizing your kids, staying on top of church news, having opinions about things I didn't know I was supposed to have an opinion on. I would read these posts and think: I am totally utterly completely failing at being a Catholic mom. 

I know you are not supposed to get your role models from the internet, you are not supposed to believe everything you read and you CERTAINLY aren't supposed to get all bent out of shape about not measuring up to some random Internet lady's standard of motherhood. I mean, what am I? An internet NEWBIE?

But it's hard. Maybe one day I'll write some about Catholic culture(s) and how my real life Catholic culture and the culture in my church is different from the Catholic culture I find online. I want - I truly truly want - to be a devout, solid, faithful, graceful, grounded and loving Catholic mother. I want to teach my kids what I believe. I want to set good examples. I want to give them a concrete foundation. In theory I am striving for this picture of idyllic Catholic motherhood, much of which I've cobbled together from mothers I admire online. In practice I crash and burn, every single day. And maybe sometimes I want to read more about the crashing and the burning.

What are your favorite Catholic/churchy/tangentially Catholic or churchy blogs? Obviously I could use a refresher.