I want to start here (again) (and again)

I have things to say here, but I am not saying them because... by the time I actually get my wits together it seems the moment has passed? Or whatever profound thought I had is no longer profound and now seems incredibly dorky? Something like that. In fact, I am only writing here right NOW because I accidentally clicked on the link for THIS blog instead of the OTHER blog and...

A few weeks ago I wanted to come here and say, "There is something about ME that prevents ME from being with God." And you see why I did NOT come here to write that, because WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. 

Except then this weekend my Professional Ministry Friend was all talking about some bible study she did where this was the exact topic. That there is something inherent in our identities that makes us think we can't be with God. Of course she was much more eloquent. Plus there was a whole scripture study around it, which I would tell you about if I thought I could do it any justice whatsoever. 

Some dude at Phillip's work gave him a CD of a talk - teaching? It's by an Australian guy and he keeps saying "teaching" like it's "teetching" so that's sort of how I'm thinking of it. It started out being about one thing - how we've been preaching that Christianity enhances your life (and never talk about how it saves your life) - and now it seems to be about something else. But I feel bad for thinking that, because the guy speaking went on for at least 20 minutes in the beginning about how many "decisions for Christ" he's earned through his talks and how many pastors have asked him to speak. Still, it's interesting. I'll have to listen to the rest, at least, before I make any snarky comments. 

(Not that I would have any snarky comments. I think the gist of what he's saying is right on. I just don't like how he tells me how many "decisions" he gets.)

(Which is really how a lot of people in ministry talk, though, and maybe I find it off putting but how else are they supposed to measure their effectiveness?)

ALSO. There was something else. What was it. 

Then I was running on the treadmill today - and truly, the treadmill is where I do my best worshiping. I think I have something like 90 planes of thought, and surviving a run requires about 89.5 of those planes, which leaves me only .5 plane left to zone out somewhere. What I'm saying is there's no space left in my brain to distract me. So I'm running in the afternoon, while the kids are supposed to be playing in the playroom and Emma is supposedly napping and I'm just trying REALLY HARD to make this work. I know I need to run, I know my mental health requires it, I know I will feel better and maybe not be so angry if I can just run this out. 

So I'm running. I am listening to worship music (this is pretty much the only time I listen to worship music, although, let's face it, 99% of the time I am running to Ke$ha). And my kids, the ones who are supposed to be drawing or building train tracks or whatever, materialize in the doorway to the laundry room (where my treadmill lives) and begin to RUN IN PLACE. They are imitating me. They look a lot like the little girls who open the door to Prime Minister Hugh Grant at the end of Love Actually and start dancing when he starts caroling. They look like those spastic, crazy little girls. And suddenly I am laughing. I am laughing on the treadmill. And then I am crying because GOD KNOWS I needed a reminder that my children are CHILDREN. They are beautiful and hilarious and make me snort with laughter in the middle of mile two and at the same time I'm hearing "holy holy" bursting through my eardrums and YES. 

Yes. There is something inherent in my identity that makes me think I cannot be with God. There is a way that I do not believe I have a disease, that I do not need saving. There are a MILLION ZILLION FRILLION ways in which I march about my daily life utterly and completely ignoring Him who made me. And what does he do? He comes to be with ME instead. 

Comments

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

I love this. I wish I could explain why or what it makes me think, but I lack the vocabulary. So... I love this.

[Shelby]

Beautiful, Maggie.