Maybe he's even in the paint

I am tired. And people keep telling me I look tired which is 1) annoying and 2) not terribly flattering to my delicate little flower ego. I put on the nicest clothes I have at this stage of life to head out to my friend's birthday dinner Tuesday night, and practically the first thing my other friend said to me when I picked her up was, "Have you been crying? Your eyes are red. Are they red because you're tired? You look so tired."

GEE, THANKS. 

But even if I have the face of a Haggard Old Woman, even if I am sleep deprived and totally worn out by the time I drop off the big kids at preschool, I do not feel tired in spirit. If that makes sense. I actually feel very much alive. I am excited about my life. I am aware of all the bits and pieces. 

There are a LOT of bits and pieces. I'm involved in planning so much right now, either my own stuff or group stuff or helping with other people's stuff - it's a lot of spreadsheets to track. I was telling my dad about some of it today and he said something like, "Gosh, Mags, you're into everything right now" and it really only hit me then. Yes, but I am okay. 

I am well. Even though there's a lot going on, even though a lot of it has potential for conflict and strife and confusion - I am well. I'm not afraid. I'm even excited to meet the challenges. When is THAT ever the case? 

I went to the NDCF fall retreat this weekend - well, the Saturday evening portion - because the guy who used to the lead the fellowship when Phillip and I were in college was the speaker and he's totally worth immersing oneself in a culture I left years and years ago. I was nervous I'd leave the weekend with Issues - not least of which would be Feeling Really Freaking Old. But instead I left with confidence and inspiration. I left knowing that ten (okay, more like twelve) years later, I am secure in who I am and what I'm doing. (Most days!)  

God is with me. I just know this. I watched those college kids and their intensity and tears and joy and just the highs and lows of their emotions - is there anything in between when you are nineteen with an undecided major? I sat in the back and just watched. I could see myself in them, but I no longer need a powerful Saturday night conversion experience to know that God is working in my life. As much as I miss that, as much as I sometimes feel like I DO need it - right now I just know. He is here. He is with me. He is totally cool hanging out in my mundane SAHM world. 

Some of you, in response to my last post, said that dying to my family is what is required of me right now. That's losing my life for Jesus. I agree with you. But it just doesn't feel like ENOUGH. Enough for ME. I want more than laundry and dishes and breastfeeding jail. I know that God is okay with me and I know that there are seasons, but I long for more. I want more of him. 

I am so good at filling my life with things. I've got a party, a blogger gathering, a girls' weekend in LA and family holiday stuff all on my plate right now. House projects, websites, preschool. Plus paint! Don't forget the paint. I could be so stressed out right now, but I'm not. I'm just... I have perspective, and you guys, I never have perspective. God is with me. And would it be weird to say God is with all of those things? Even the paint? I just feel like he totally knows me, he totally knows where I'm at and he's there in the phone calls and spreadsheets and instant messages and face to face conversations. 

When I have space to add something else (or maybe before then, since space never really seems to open up anyway) I'm... well, honestly, right now I have only the faintest glimmer of how I'm going to step forward with God. It happened for me at the retreat - so maybe I had the Saturday night conversion experience anyway. 

But did I tell you I'm tired. I'm so tired. And it's late and Emma is actually sleeping which means I should be sleeping too and I'm going to make myself stop trying to find the right words and just go to bed already. I just wanted to tell you that I'm excited to be busy with something else, even if it's not quite the right time. And maybe if I go to bed and sleep on it, I'll have the right words another day. 

 

Comments

[steph]

I cannot even begin to express how much I love this post!

And your heart. And just everything about this!

Trust Him to do exceedingly above all you could ever dare to hope for... (Eph. 3:20)

[Shelby]

So happy for you, Maggie, that this is where you are.