Lose my life

It occurs to me that perhaps the reason I have nothing revelatory and awesome and smart and jaw dropping to post here is because I've been putting 'Spend Time With God' somewhere between 'Clean Bathrooms' and 'Box Up The Summer Clothes" on my to-do list. 

Poor neglected Catholic blog. 

I went to Mass Tuesday night. All Saints Day happens to be my favorite feast day, but also I just needed out of my house. I needed to go somewhere quiet and calm and peaceful. Even if that place is a cold church where the windowsills are lined with photos of dead people. Those nutty Catholics. 

I suppose All Saints Day is a strange one to make your favorite. I like that it takes place on a dark cold night, but isn't Good Friday and angling to make me feel terrible. And I like to remember the dead, and the more I think and learn about it, I really love the communion of saints. This would definitely be a top reason I couldn't go Protestant. 

But as I listened to the homily that night, I realized there's another reason I love this feast: the saints are like the valedictorians of faith, you know? They excelled. They won. They achieved the top level of holiness available to a mere human. This is all very inspiring to me. So all I gotta do is get MY head chopped off because I refuse to marry a pagan prince and I'm golden. I love the saints because I love success stories. Isn't that twisted?

I am not a saint. This much I know. I really do know - I read St. Theresa's book... shoot, what's it called?... and GOD KNOWS I am no St. Theresa. I am no St. Anything. The saints lost their lives for Jesus, both literally and figuratively. That IS what it takes and while I love reading about it, love knowing people actually did it, love that my faith celebrates these people and decorates their churches with their pictures, I will never be a saint myself. I love my life too much.

I love my free time. I love my credit card. I love furnishing my house. I love the internet. I love God, but not enough to close out of Pinterest and spend some time with him.

Of course, Pinterest is where I first saw this, in poster form: 

Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper, David had an affair, Lot got drunk, Jonah ran from God, Paul was a murderer, Gideon was insecure, Miriam was a gossiper, Martha was a worrier, Thomas was a doubter, Sara was impatient, Elijah was moody, Moses was a murderer & stuttered, Zacchaeus was short, Abraham was old, and Lazarus was DEAD. Now, what's YOUR excuse?

Maggie was lazy.

Maggie was prideful. 

Maggie really wanted to redecorate her entry way in time for her Christmas party in December. 

So much stands in the way between me and truly knowing Christ, between me and sainthood. 

Several years ago I stood during an All Saints Day Mass and remembered a good family friend who passed away that year, one of the few Catholics I knew who'd done mission work. Talk about the heroes of your faith. Will anyone ever put a picture of me on the church windowsill? 

At this rate? Doubtful. I am so ashamed of how little time I've spent with God lately. Like: NONE. It's one thing to have God in the back of your mind at all times, to bring him up here and there, to shout out to him in the car, while folding the laundry, when the baby barfs for the ninety-seventh time. It's another to sit down and really listen. To be still. To know him, to be known. Again, how can I have a relationship with God when I haven't called or emailed in months?

So the gospel this week? TOTAL DOWNER.

1“Then^* the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. 2^* Five of them were foolish and five were wise. 3The foolish ones, when taking their lamps, brought no oil with them, 4but the wise brought flasks of oil with their lamps. 5Since the bridegroom was long delayed, they all became drowsy and fell asleep. 6At midnight, there was a cry, ‘Behold, the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’ 7Then all those virgins got up and trimmed their lamps. 8The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.’ 9But the wise ones replied, ‘No, for there may not be enough for us and you. Go instead to the merchants and buy some for yourselves.’ 10While they went off to buy it, the bridegroom came and those who were ready went into the wedding feast with him. Then the door was locked. 11^* a Afterwards the other virgins came and said, ‘Lord, Lord, open the door for us!’ 12But he said in reply, ‘Amen, I say to you, I do not know you.’ 13^b Therefore, stay awake,^* for you know neither the day nor the hour.

While I find this parable more than a little convoluted and confusing, I declare one thing: when the bridegroom arrives, I may not have reached Saint Status, but he will know me. 

I am so tired. I don't know how to know him right now. I don't know how to lose my life for him. I feel like I'm losing it for everyone else instead. I want to curl up in his lap. I want him to read me a story with a soothing ending. I want him to say, "Don't worry, I'll give the baby a bottle tonight so you can get a little more sleep."

Comments

[Jesabes]

I'm not sure what to say except I get it. I've been sitting here trying to think of something encouraging to say but I am SO TIRED I can barely think.

God knows how tired you are. He understands.

[Sarah]

Amen. I'm surrounded by moving boxes, and we're sleeping on the living room floor while we redo the upstairs. The last thing I think of right now is God, and I miss him. Not that he isn't here, but like you said, how can we have a relationship when my only communications lately have been asking for stuff (less stress and more patience). I really love this blog Maggie.

[AmyRyb]

Well said. I have been in that same sort of rut for a while now, with two less kids as an excuse. I should just stop watching TV in the evenings or surfing the web, but then I'm concerned I'd just fall asleep anyway, which is what I used to do back in college no matter what time I did my daily quiet time. I tried, but I was convinced that deep prayer time just put me in such a relaxed state that I couldn't help it. Now I can't even get to that point because I'm already so darn tired and have too many things distracting me. It's a mess. Even my bedtime prayers haven't been happening with nearly enough frequency...and yet I sit here and wonder why certain things in my life aren't improving. Oy.

[Megan]

Oh Maggie! Motherhood and being a wife are our vocations! When we serve our family we are serving God as well. Each and every middle of the night feeding or load of laundry or millionth lap around the room patting the back of a gassy child is US answering our call to serve HIM. This is how we do it...we are already doing it. We have given up our own lives and our own wants to serve them.

Also, to everything there is a season and that includes the exhausted, overwhelmed part of having small children. "Losing your life for him" right now is the same as "losing your life for your family". That will change as they get older and thier needs change and the time for deeper, more thoughtful prayer will come. God understands this, of course, as does Mary. He knows right where we are at and has given us what we need to get through! Even a short, "Jesus, I'm tired. Help me!" is enough at this point. Just as we know when our children are tired and overwhelmed but trying thier best, so too does God know this of us! The time to "be still" will come. This doesn't mean we should ever stop trying, of course. Even though my kids are older and sleeping through I rarely finish even a decade before I'm asleep at night...I should really start praying before I lay down. I might get further.

I love this blog. It makes me think.

[Elsha]

Megan said exactly what I was going to say-- serving your family is serving God.

Also, maybe off topic, but you find the parable of the 10 virgins confusing and convoluted? It's one of my favorites- I've always felt like it was pretty clear.