High Horse: Am On One

Did I tell you that I had a big conversation about Becoming Catholic with the girl who cuts my HAIR? I don't think I did. This was a while ago, and she was more of the Lapsed Catholic Now Considering A Grand Return, If It Wasn't For Her Not-Religious Husband And More General Objects In The Way sort of person. And again I had to restrain myself from busting out the YAY JESUS! and tried to be a normal person, at least a normal person with her hair all wet and unattractive-like, while she cautiously then more openly gave me the history of her own faith. (It just CAME OUT. It was kind of awesome.) I so wanted to be encouraging, but I never know what to say. In the end I feel like maybe it is just enough, at least in that moment, to be a Young-Ish Person Who Believes In That Stuff And Says So Out Loud. 

(The "young-ish" isn't going to last much longer, is it. Oh well.) 

Anyway, between her and my Inquirer and, believe it or not, about nine million coments sections on posts about NFP, I have been THINKING. Mostly about "meeting someone where they're at" and I just wonder if such a thing is even possible. I'm starting to think only God can do this. Or people who are extraordinarily gifted. (Read: NOT ME.) 

Say my stylist and my Inquirer are at one end of the spectrum. Some Protestant people I know would say they are "young in their faith". I would agree, though I feel awfully young in my faith as well and therefore should just keep my mouth shut. 

THEN you have the people who write comments on NFP posts. If you have not ventured into the murky depths that are those comboxes, they are, more often than not, filled with people attacking from the Right. By which I mean... well, they are writing things like, "REAL Catholics shouldn't use NFP EVER!" The words "contraceptive mentality!" are bandied about. They're talking about the RIGHT WAY to do NFP or the idea that even NFP isn't truly "allowed", when, in my experience, hardly anyone knows what NFP IS. In my view, those people are well on the other end of the spectrum. I don't know if it's true to say they are "old" in their faith (you know what I mean) (though I'm sure many of them are) but they are certainly not people who are wondering about exceptions for abortion and women priests and gay marriage and some of the other hot topics that a lot of people-considering-the-church have issues with. I mean, they are not sitting around going, "Do I REALLY think the host turns into Jesus' ACTUAL BODY?"

Does that make sense?

Anyway, those NFP comboxes drive me up forty-seven walls. Not least because I feel like it's a bunch of hard core Catholic infighting. Not that those fights aren't worth having (and man do they make ME think) but I often end up wanting to shout: do you know how many Catholic couples have never even HEARD of NFP? Don't you think you should be talking about THAT? Or how many Catholic couples hear of it but laugh it away? Or how no one ever mentions it? EVER? Shouldn't you be starting THERE? 

In all the NFP comboxes I have immersed myself in (and that would be a lot) I've read exactly one comment saying, in effect, "Perhaps we should try meeting people where they're at."

YA THINK?*

But this is not about NFP. (Man, I wish I were brave enough to write about that. But not now!) 

It's just... it's easier to infight. You know? It's easier to get all up in someone else's business about what you know to be true and how they're obviously doing it wrong. Why try to generously, quietly, lovingly listen and attempt to encourage someone who is young in their faith when you can get into these heady holier than thou arguments instead? 

Like, it would have been a lot easier to take some of my Inquirer's questions and turn it into a Discussion About Abortion. Or about Marriage. Or whatever. I am fairly well versed in the rules for those things and have gone through a similar struggle abotu What I Think and I, personally, think MY views on the topics are the most enlightening and easiest to understand and obviously CORRECT. It would have been easy (had I the stomach to talk about Controversial Things) to school her on what are undoubtedly real and important issues related to being A Churchgoer. 

It is NOT as easy to have humility, to understand that you yourself are in a different place, that someone who has yet to struggle through certain issues can't be expected to fling off years of living a certain way in order to fulfill what they see as The Person They SHOULD Be If They Are To Be A Churchgoer. 

It is REALLY hard to sit there and be quiet, and even harder to have to answer a question without 1) compromising what you believe and 2) discouraging someone who needs encouragement more than anything. 

You either have to be super gifted at this or content to swallow a lot of what you think you should say. I am neither super gifted or content - I swallow because I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing. 

I know there are places for infighting and super intellectual debate and, yes, hard core NFP comments that make me feel less-than even though they are not written expressly for me and I should probably not read them in the first place. I totally respect people who can GO there, you know? Again, I don't have the stomach for it. And I just don't think that's where I'm supposed to be anyway. I am no apologist. I am no theologian or minister or grad student or even Super Smart Thinky Person. My gift is to feel empathy for people who are searching - empathy that lasts weeks, months, years in some cases - and to lift them up where they are. As much as I write through it and try to figure it out, I don't know how to meet them. I know God can. I know he does. 

Anyway... what is the point of me writing this? Er... I guess I'm just feeling frustrated by my inability to do this well, and what I see as an inability of others to even try. Just call me Judgy McInternet! 

Next time: when the Protestants in the room heard a bunch of Catholics discussing baptism and murmured amongst themselves, "how weird..." It was kinda funny. 

 

*I realize those comment sections aren't typically the places Inquirers go to for information. But they just often feel un-loving to me and make me worried about WHAT IF an Inquirer reads it. My thing, not theirs. Have at it, NFP commenters! You DO provide me hours of stress, if nothing else. 

Comments

[Jennifer]

I stumbled upon a post about NFP once and read the comments (well, some of them. There were probably 8,467,942 comments total.). I was shocked. Overwhelmed. Feeling stupid. Wondering if I was supposed to know everything they were talking about.

This post is right-on. Why can't the super-Catholics stop bickering about stuff that is not up to them, and instead, use their super-knowledge about all things Catholic and educate the rest of us? ;)

[Kimiko]

This makes me think of what my pastor talked about yesterday in church...that Paul (the apostle) was sometimes very inflexible, and other times very flexible, in ways that were practically problematic. Paul's rule of thumb seems to be: inflexible about the truth of Jesus. Flexible about everything else.

[Lauren]

Oh, oh, oh, the uber-Catholic infighting. I had a funny talk with a Catholic former colleague about this one time, when our boss (arguably the most pro-life member of the entire U.S. Senate) was getting attacked by some pro-lifers because he failed to endorse someone in a state election who--wait for it--WASN'T EVEN RUNNING. Because they thought this guy was MORE pro-life than the pro-life guy who WAS running. Argh.

And so we were talking about how nuts these folks were and how it's strange that there really are these disputes within the "serious/orthodox Catholic" world. I mean, the rest of society would look at us and that we (1) go to Mass every Sunday (or even more!), (2) don't use contraceptives, (3) oppose abortion, embryonic stem cell research, and euthanasia, (4) have particular views on what marriage is and isn't, and (5) actually believe in things like the Virgin Birth, the Resurrection, and Transubstantiation, and they'd assume we were the same as everyone else who believes these things. But we knew that there were all these fights within the universe of people who believe this stuff: the skirts v. pants debate, the can-you-ever-use-NFP debate, and so forth.

I hate this kind of infighting, both because it is a bad witness (how's that for a Protestant word?), and because it's counter-productive in bringing anyone around to your view.

I LOVE your point about meeting people where they are. There's also something HUGE to be said for the grace of the sacraments. I know that when I came into the Church 10 years ago, I wasn't initially convinced of the Church's position against artificial contraceptives. I believe it's in large part the grace of the sacraments that opened my eyes to the truth and beauty of the Church's position, and now I would defend it to anyone. But if we turn people off with infighting and attack-style debate from the outset, they never get exposed to the grace of the sacraments.

(And I'm not saying we should water down or hide the Church's positions on any "controversial" topics. I just don't think we should go out swinging when it's not called for.)

Anyway, I've written a NOVEL here, but it's all to say: I like your attitude about this stuff, and I'll pray that God uses you to draw these inquirers and others closer to Him.

[Laura]

I SO know what you are talking about, Maggie! The NFP debate is crazy-making, but thought-provoking at the same time. For what it's worth, I think anyone who can look at issues like NFP in black and white terms is what you would call "young in their faith." The wisest people I know would say that we're all at different points in the journey; the Church's role is to meet us where we are. Loving your writing here!

[Sarah in Ottawa]

Can I just say 'ditto' to Lauren's comment. The infighting is embarrassing, uncharitable and WILDLY counterproductive.

And who says that you aren't good at this stuff? Remember the first email I sent to you, back when I was a lurker. I am resending it to you right now, just to remind you that your writings were instrumental in MY returning. Take that! :)

[Theresa]

http://bustedhalo.com/features/a-queer-conversation

Have you seen this interview? (link above) I think it is a great example of meeting someone where they are instead of cramming your beliefs down their throat in some misguided attempt to instruct the ignorant.

[The Sojourner]

I often end up wanting to shout: do you know how many Catholic couples have never even HEARD of NFP? Don't you think you should be talking about THAT? Or how many Catholic couples hear of it but laugh it away? Or how no one ever mentions it? EVER? Shouldn't you be starting THERE?

Maybe this is a geographical thing, or a "Well, you're part of the tiny percentage who reads Benedict XVI for fun," but I've actually been a little bit driven up the wall by the fact that all the marriage prep literature we've been getting *doesn't* meet us where we're at.

I have come across a few articles from Danielle Bean and Simcha Fisher that do speak to where I'm at (Summary: It's permissible, obviously, but not necessary and not The Best Thing Since Jesus), but then of course I read the comments and half of them are, "NOOOO, never use NFP! NFP is part of the post-Vatican II compromise with the devil!!!!" and the other half are, "You must ALWAYS use NFP! It makes your marriage full of communication and unicorns and rainbows!!!!"

Is that relevant at all, or am I just taking a sentence in your post out of context so I can rant about something that annoys me?

[The Sojourner]

Number 1: The first paragraph should be italicized or in quotes or something.

Number 2: The first thing that annoys me (which I did not explain clearly) is that marriage prep in this diocese pushes NFP sooo much. As if 1: It's the only legitimate thing to do in your marriage. (Which it's not. I do get that a lot of people are not going to jump on board with, "Oh, we'll just do nothing at all and have 10 children!", but can you at least mention that NFP is not a requirement?) And 2: It has NO downsides. I've never tried it, so I don't know, but I have heard from too many credible people that it does not in fact involve unicorns and rainbows.