In honor of Mardi Gras, a pity party

Well, if the other blog is anything to go by, I think we can safely say that so far 2010 is The Year Of Feeling Sorry For Myself. 

I was trying to step outside of my head for a bit today, because even in the midst of the moping, I am fully aware that I'm being ridiculous. I mean, I think there's definite truth in all the things that are getting me down lately. I'm not making them up. I'm not [always] blowing them out of proportion. Things HAVE been hard. Still, this moody funk is getting out of hand. My daily dose of perspective is not working. 

I read a blog post today by a woman who 1) lives in a two-bedroom apartment with three children, a husband and a dog and 2) is nine million times holier than me. It was enough perspective for the rest of the year. I finished it feeling irritated with myself and wondering, for the nine millionth time, what is wrong with me. Why can't I be holy too? And peaceful and grateful and NOT SORRY FOR MYSELF? 

I realize, with annoyance, that Lent is coming quick. HOW APROPOS, I say to God. HOW CONVENIENT. 

I am not good at Lent. It's another one of those topics on which the Catholic Bloggers reveal their collective brilliance, leaving me with a confused and panicked inferiority complex. I give something up (sometimes) and remember not to eat meat on Fridays (sometimes) and go about life as usual. I've made the attempt at the daily devotional or the weekly Lenten gatherings at church. One time I tried to read a Proper Lenten Book, but I have yet to feel like Lent is more than forty days of gloom and suffering. I am very much bogged down in the suffering. 

But today I sat in my car in the mall parking lot, asking God if THIS time can be different. Rather than trudging through, could I grow instead? Could I learn something? Could I muster up some discipline? 

I know I am down. I know I have so much to be grateful for. The one should flow into the other, making me a wiser, better person. Someone who isn't writing sob story blog post after sob story blog post. But I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like God is holding this other part of the puzzle and I want to know what it looks like. I'm missing some element of grace or understanding or peace. Something that says yes, this is a difficult place, but I am here.

I know I can't just wake up holy. UNFORTCH. What a bummer. 

In the meantime... what? What can I do to make this Lent different from the others? What should I give up? What should I do instead? What are YOU doing? I am not above copycatting you. 

I feel like I'm usually pretty good at Sucking It Up and Moving On - sometimes in-advisably so, if my anxiety track record is anything to go on. (Sometimes, I have learned, you should deal with things first, THEN suck them up. Otherwise you get a big sucked up pile of Issues floating around in your chemically imbalanced head.) But THIS time... I don't feel like there's anything I can change, no endpoint, no one to blame. It's just the way things are, and how they'll be until Phillip is done with school. And I don't know what to do with that. 

Lent's gotta teach me a thing or two, that's what I'm thinking. 

Comments

[Sarah in Ottawa]

I'm sorry that you are in a funk. The feeling (with which I am familiar) sucks. I suspect that you are on the right track - the "this too shall pass/no way around but through" one. You can do it; you've done it before. Go Maggie!

As for Lent, I am not sure what I am going to give up, if anything. I am loathe to set any food restrictions because of the UNRELENTING NAUSEA (despite meds), though I do hope it passes soonish. I want to focus on prayer - I prayed the Liturgy of the Hours (morning and/or evening) all through Advent and it really helped me to focus. My mornings and evenings are crammed right now (work, schmork), but I am going to give it a go.

As for actions - I might try something that Arwen's Mom Ellen is going to do. She is resolving to make their new house their HOME. I might resolve to do something similar with sorting and clearing out clutter/destraction to let the joy in. Maybe there's a component for you - focusing on the joy amidst the daily grind?

[Elizabeth]

I am not sure what it is (I am no help at all) but I feel like you need something to make Lent hopeful, instead of more dreary. I think of Lent as this AMAZING time (probably incorrectly) where we are moving through the funk into the GOOD TIMES! So I am thinking maybe you need to make a positive action instead of taking something away. Like...grow a plant? Put your spare change in a jar and do something good with it at the end? Plan a secret surprise for someone each week?
Also, please feel free to ignore all this Pollyannaishness - it has been sunny here for five days in a row and I've become quite insufferably cheery.

[Christina]

When I was in college and friends with a Very Good Catholic, I gave up chocolate for lent. That? Was craziness. Don't try it my friend. Chocolate is a BLESSING.

Anyway... when I'm trying to kick start my spiritual life and/or get myself out of a funk, I usually do two things... find a new Christian/praise CD to listen to (or an old one that I love) and buy myself a new devotional. Hmm... apparently my spiritual solution is to SHOP. Sorry about that.

[Shelby]

For Lent this year, husband and I are giving up spending on non-essentials. I already know this is going to be really tough for me, since shopping has kind of become a hobby. And because my mom is coming to visit in the middle of Lent, and we're total enablers for each other.

I also like to have some kind of prayer component to Lent, so I think I'm going to focus on one particular part of Liturgy of the Hours (iPhone/iPod Touch has a fantastic app called iBreviary, which makes finding the readings and prayers so much easier - is that cheating?).

In college, people were pretty creative - they gave up makeup, their beds, other comforts. I gave up my pillow one year, but I'm not sure I could do it again.

All I know is that when I make more of an effort during Lent, Easter is much more meaningful. Lent is not my favorite season, and it's been challenging for me to really engage in it. I think this year will be appropriately difficult/better (see: not shopping).