I've written several big blog posts about Ferguson, the word I am using to refer to ALLLLL of the things going on. Haven't published them. And on the other blog I keep writing about the bakery and deleting those, I don't know why. I'm aware that whatever I say DURING the stress may come back to bite me somehow, or I'll go back and read it and get upset with myself for not knowing how it was going to turn out, or something else irrational.
Tonight, as I drove to the kitchen to help my sister bake another couple hundred sugar cookies, I realized that I'd forgotten to say my Christmas novena prayers I don't know how many days in a row. And then I realized that I hadn't spent much time with God at all lately, or only enough to shout my Morning Prayer Of Desperation As I Scurry Out Of The House. Which is not enough.
And it's ADVENT! I am so absolutely terrible at properly observing the liturgical year. And I fear I was terrible at it before I half-owned an online bakery. I realized today, December 15, that I never put out an Advent calendar, not even the cardboard kind where you open the windows and get a chocolate each day (the best kind). I AM SO TIRED.
We worked hard tonight so that we can visit our mom on Wednesday for her birthday. It would be the first day this month my sister hasn't baked or decorated. The first day I haven't watched my niece so that my sister could bake and decorate. My in-laws are actually coming up tomorrow to get Emma (and keeping her overnight!) so I can better help Katie tomorrow. It's been hard on our little girls, not to mention some severe mommy guilt, so it'll be good to watch my niece in her own house with her mom nearby.
Spare some good thoughts for us? I feel like *I* am okay, but feeling like I need to up my being-positive-for-other-people-ness... something I need to be aware of, so that I don't suddenly fall flat on my face, all out of positivity. There are pitfalls for us naturally optimistic folk. It's good to be aware of them.
I feel like God knows I can't slow down right now. And I don't even know if slowing down is what I need... I actually really love the crazy busy week before our Christmas party. I LOVE the shopping and planning and I'm getting better at not being totally exhausted by the time people show up. I don't necessarily feel like I need REST... more like a change of pace, or a day where I do a few God things, where I'm not emailing and calculating and boxing and wrangling a preschooler and toddler all day. God knows what I need, yes? I need to trust in that.
Anyway... feeling like God is sort of (weird word here) delighting in me? In, like, the part of me that really loves gathering everyone we know together for eating and drinking, and the part that thinks (crazily) that the bakery can MAKE it. I also feel like, as I type, he's saying, "But I'm right here when you need to crash. I have a very comfy couch. I have snacks. I'm right here."