I ended up talking to Phillip the morning after I wrote the last post and guess what, he's fine with it. Huh!
Most of the time I process stuff that involves Phillip with friends (or on my blog, I guess, heh) and then I go to him and give him the edited and, obvs, much better version of what's wigging me out. But there are a few occasions where I just want to dump on him - dump stuff that has to DO with him - and just have him be objective and reflect me back to me. You know? Without getting caught up on how it affects him? Which is unfair and I HAAAAAAAAAATE it when he does that to me (or, should I say, expects me to be objective when he's talking about how annoyed he is with me/our life, NOPE!) But I sort of laid it all out and told him how upset I was feeling and you guys, I was UPSET. I'm realizing how much I can block out stress and anxiety in my brain and then how it manifests physically on account of having nowhere else to go. That night I felt like a giant hand was squeezing my chest; it literally woke me up. And in the morning I felt SORE. But then I told Phillip and he was all, "Yeah, no, you need to do this, we'll make it work."
I don't feel so squeezy anymore.
The other thing is that that evening I saw my good friends and dominated our whole time together telling them how everything is just coming DOWN and ACK and WHAT IF and OH NO. They prayed for me and I saw how I've been trying so hard to do right by the ministry leaders that I've minimized God and his power. Like it's the success- and approval-seeking part of me that wants so badly to show that I am invested and committed and NOT A FLAKE. And forgetting that God has so clearly brought me here, that I did no work to get there, that I even did no work to have favor in their eyes - the main lady even told me that God spoke to her about me!
So let God do this work. Let God make it happen. Let God call Phillip. Let God provide. Let go of needing to prove myself.
It's so good to have friends who can reflect you back to you. So good. I highly recommend it. Humbling, not always enjoyable, but SO GOOD. I think in this case I knew on my own this is what I was doing, but I needed 1) someone to talk it out with me and 2) someone to PRAY for me before I could confront it.
There's new stuff happening. I'm really excited about it. God is calling me to lay down a few things which, honestly, I am more than happy to do right now. And even kind of regular getting-to-know-people-at-church stuff for our family, which you know I've been so loathe to do - it's beginning to feel like it's time to do that again. It seems like God is just... making those opportunities happen, but also making it really CLEAR. I'm so thankful. CLEAR is so much easier.
But first I get to go to Italy eeeeeeeeeee!!!!