This weekend I volunteered at yet another large weekend retreat for college students as a member of the intercession team. The intercession team is a bunch of people - loosely or closely tied to the organization, it doesn't matter, only that you have a heart to pray for the conference - sitting in a room asking God how to pray for the students. For hours. Multiple times a day. It is never boring, but it is almost always exhausting. I am considering my skipping my daily afternoon walk on the treadmill (to Veronica Mars) with a nice long couch nap.
But before I do that, I have to process something... Of the many many interesting, confounding, life giving, chewable items of note from my weekend, what I'm thinking over - nay, obsessing - is a particular book that I have not read and was not, at all, a major or even minor part of my weekend. It has absolutely nothing to do with anything.
There was a book written some time ago about one person's spiritual journey; I shall call it "an embellished autobiography". At least that's how I understand it. Many people think this book is Amazing. But I know people who know people who are, shall we say, "misrepresented" in the book, and I've always had to bite my tongue when other people talk about how great they think this book is. Last year I met one of the misrepresented people. This year I spent more time with her, prayed with her, had a meal with her, had an intimate conversation with her about Deep Spiritual Stuff. She is gifted, crazy intense, and while chatting with her about one of life's big questions I feel like I received clarity around it. I liked her.
And now I have this irritable new interest in That Book. I want to read it and identify my fellow prayer team member in it and see for myself the injustices. But... WHY? This is something that happened a long time ago. I know she doesn't go there. There is absolutely no need for ME to go there. But the only reason I haven't downloaded That Book to my Kindle yet is because I don't want to contribute to the royalties. The only reason I haven't put a hold on it at the library is because that process takes a bit longer, long enough for me to question my own self about why I want to read it.
It's not a real or meaningful thing. I have my hackles up for no productive reason. If I'm being truly honest, my interest feels more like my interest in ogling Oscar dresses and reading movie star wiki pages. I'm rubbernecking at something that has no bearing on anything.
What I SHOULD be googling the snot out of is How Do I Become A LEADER Of Intercession? Because that's what I've determined (along with discerning mentory types) is the next step for me. Wondering in what context God wants me to lead intercession, and what for? I don't think I will always be tagging along to NDCF conferences. That said, I'm sure it's not a hobby. It feels like the thing I do. And I want to do more of it. I want to be better at it. I feel like I need to be soaking up as much of it as possible, because one day it will be The Thing I Do.
I'm distracted by this stupid book. It matters not. There's a reason intercessors pray protection around each other at the end of a conference. Because you're vulnerable and empty. You can be refilled with things that DO NOT MATTER and ARE NOT REAL. God fill me with YOUR vision and purpose, spur me to google truth not tabloid stories. Refill me in the spirit. Refill me with light and joy and life, pull me away from darkness.