As I emerge from this anxiety fog, I find myself antsy and ready to go - at what, I'm not sure - but also exhausted, weary, wanting to nap my afternoons away. This tension, this need to focus and direct myself coupled with a desire to go easy on myself and also just NAP... I knew I needed to just sit down with God and ASK: what the heck am I supposed to be doing right now? What am I supposed to BE?
When I have to talk to God about specific stuff, I have to write it down. First I made a list of things I HAVE to focus on, then a list of things I think I need to START focusing on. Or things I've sort of put on pause or put off while I manage the anxiety stuff. Then I made a to-do list, with things like "change the sheets" and "put away the summer yard stuff" and "get the Halloween box out of the garage" because even things like that were stressing me out. WHAT DO I DO FIRST?
Then I got out my prayer journal, which is not a journal for remembering things and keeping track of my life (um, that's why I have a blog) so much as a place to write down what I say to God and what he says back. If I don't do that I get confused, or go around in circles. It helps me have a conversation with him? It's very messy, there aren't many complete sentences. As I write out what I think I want to say, I eventually figure out what I want to say. And then I write down what I think I hear. Anyway.
At the top of a fresh page I wrote "I NEED DIRECTION, I NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT TO LOOK AT FIRST" and then I waited. And I swear, the first thing I heard was, "You need to start taking your iron pills again." Okay. Noted, God.
But then I wrote a little more about the prayer nights we were doing last year and the training I feel kind of sort of called to seek for healing prayer and also bakery stuff and blah blah what should I dooooooo. Except I'm so TIRED, God! In fact, as I pray, I'm just going to lie down in my comfy bed...
What God called to mind were the tiny little pumpkins and fall-scented candles and dollar store decorations I bought over the last week, specifically how HAPPY it's made me to have some Autumn Theme in my house. Not a lot, but more than I ever did last year when I spent all my free time figuring out how to make our bakery project legal. How I've lit the candles at night and just sat in my living room enjoying them. How much I like seeing my little console table full of random pumpkin stuff whenever I go up the stairs. I felt like God was saying, "Enjoy your pumpkins!"
Well, it was a little more than that. It was: you feel tired, you feel like you need rest, and GUESS WHAT, YOU DO. I am not used to wanting rest, let alone needing it, and I felt like God was saying, it is A-OK for you to sit around enjoying your candlelight, in fact I CALL YOU to sit on your couch and enjoy your surroundings. MAKE YOUR SURROUNDINGS LOVELY! Decorate. Change your sheets. Clean up the yard. Pot some shade plants. Rearrange the furniture. Admire a properly fluffed couch pillow. And if you want, fall asleep and drool on it.
What I heard, and what I wrote down was: "Rest, and put your house in order. In two weeks we'll start focusing."
I really think that's what I heard. Two weeks. I said, "God! It feels IRRESPONSIBLE to put off thinking about the things I'm supposed to be thinking about!" and then I think he said, "But I am telling you to do just that! So there!"