Oh HI weight loss blog! You're still here. Huh.
See, I'm having a bit of Angst and haven't quite figured out how to put it into words. Which is really the only thing to do if you are 1) Angsty and 2) Have A Blog. But, you know, it's not like Not Making Sense has ever stopped me before, so here goes:
I don't know what to do next.
I lost the baby weight. Yay! As of today I am actually about two pounds UNDER my goal weight. I am not sure how THAT happened, seeing as how I have been somewhat less than dilligent about eating well and exercising, but I'm guessing the diet and exercise changes have become more habit than the exception. I am still avoiding sweets and white flour (to the best of my ability, it IS Girl Scout Cookie season) and I still treadmill and Shred (okay, not so much with the Shredding), but it's also true that I've lost about 99% of my motivation. I don't know what I'm working towards anymore.
I would like to lose more weight, but I don't know how much, and that bothers me.
Right now I am a Size 10. When I hit size 10 a couple years ago, pre-Jack, I was ELATED. I have never ever been thin. All through college and up until I decided I would try to lose weight I was a size 14. I might have been a 12 in high school, but I don't remember and wasn't paying attention anyway. When Jack was born I didn't have a single thing in my closet that fit me, and I cried in the Old Navy dressing room when I tried on a pair of size 16 shorts that barely fit. It took me 9 months to get back to a size 10; this time it took me about 5. All of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit me (well, the ones that don't require I stop breastfeeding first, ahem) and I have a giant tub of summer clothes I'll get to wear for the first time in two years. I am, for all intents and purposes, a pretty happy size 10.
But I wonder how much farther I could go.
I'm not sure I didn't try to lose more the first time around. I think I hit a plateau, plus I thought I looked great (for someone who had always been a size 14, mind you, not a former size 6 making peace with her size 10 self) and, I don't know, I was happy. Thinner didn't feel necessary.
Thinner still doesn't feel necessary, but it does feel possible. Why? Because I'm EXERCISING. I think I can pin all my wobbly ambivalency on exercising. The last time I was getting this much exercise was when I was a high school basketball player, and back then I was coming home from practice and cancelling out the hard work with PopTarts. (Tangent: Do you know how long it's been since I ate a PopTart? YEARS. Because I can, and I am not exaggerating, eat an ENTIRE BOX AT ONCE.)
Anyway! I am still running a few times a week (not so much with the shredding, maybe more on that later) and I feel like I can't HELP but lose more weight if I keep up the running. I mean, I am two pounds UNDER my goal weight and I'm still breastfeeding. If my previous experience is anything to go by (and it might not be, I understand that) I will lose more weight when I wean Molly, especially if I keep exercising. I could not shake my last 10 Jack pounds until I stopped breastfeeding him, and then it was easy. (Well, you know. RELATIVELY easy.) If I'm 2 pounds under my Molly weight and I haven't even stopped feeding her, you see how I might marvel at the possibilities.
I never once believed, not even while I was DOING IT, that I might be able to run a mile without stopping. Or two miles. And that one day I'd look at the lake by my house and think, "Yeah, maybe I'll be able to run around the lake by the summer." Am I kidding? ME? And I can't help but think, "What else is possible?"
I don't believe I will ever wear size 4 jeans. I don't believe I will ever run a marathon. (And seriously, you marathoners, ARE YOU INSANE?) I am very much okay with those things. But maybe I could be a size 8. Maybe I could run around the lake. And I feel like I should find out.
ON THE OTHER HAND.
I'm afraid. I'm happy being this size (although not as happy as I was the first time I was this size, simply because of the possibilities, pls see the above.) And I know how to maintain this size. I know which foods are okay for me, which ones aren't, which junk foods affect me more than others. I know I can run half an hour on the treadmill. These are things I can do. What if I push myself to lose more, run farther or longer, and I can't? Or worse, I CAN, but I can't maintain it, and I return to a size 10, only to be UNhappy? That would suck.
I don't want to get obsessed with my size or my goals. I've never been that kind of girl and I don't care to be. What if I decide my goal is to lose 10 more pounds, but 10 more pounds doesn't put me into Size 8 territory? Will I get fixated? Will I get down on myself? Will I decide 10 was good but 20 would be better? You should know that I'm almost laughing as I type this, because dude, TWENTY MORE POUNDS? Even if I WANTED to that doesn't sound possible! But I read so many weight loss blogs and posts and they all warn against obsessing about numbers, and I don't want to push myself into that zone. I don't want to be All Weight Loss All The Time.
Oh, and then to go back to my motivation crisis... It's weird knowing I still want to lose weight, but not knowing how much, which in turn creates a distinct lack of motivation. I stay away from trouble foods because I've worked too hard to gain the weight back. And I exercise because I can't bear to have to start all over again one day. (Which is why I think I've been running more than Shredding- even though I know I'll be sore when I do another Shred, I'm more proud of the running and would feel the loss of my accomplishment there much more. You: What about the loss of GRAMMAR? SHEESH.)
So, Exercise Mavens? How do you know when enough is enough? And what should be next short term goal be?