Okay so this might be long

Oh HI weight loss blog! You're still here. Huh.

See, I'm having a bit of Angst and haven't quite figured out how to put it into words. Which is really the only thing to do if you are 1) Angsty and 2) Have A Blog. But, you know, it's not like Not Making Sense has ever stopped me before, so here goes:

I don't know what to do next.

I lost the baby weight. Yay! As of today I am actually about two pounds UNDER my goal weight. I am not sure how THAT happened, seeing as how I have been somewhat less than dilligent about eating well and exercising, but I'm guessing the diet and exercise changes have become more habit than the exception. I am still avoiding sweets and white flour (to the best of my ability, it IS Girl Scout Cookie season) and I still treadmill and Shred (okay, not so much with the Shredding), but it's also true that I've lost about 99% of my motivation. I don't know what I'm working towards anymore.

I would like to lose more weight, but I don't know how much, and that bothers me.

Right now I am a Size 10. When I hit size 10 a couple years ago, pre-Jack, I was ELATED. I have never ever been thin. All through college and up until I decided I would try to lose weight I was a size 14. I might have been a 12 in high school, but I don't remember and wasn't paying attention anyway. When Jack was born I didn't have a single thing in my closet that fit me, and I cried in the Old Navy dressing room when I tried on a pair of size 16 shorts that barely fit. It took me 9 months to get back to a size 10; this time it took me about 5. All of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit me (well, the ones that don't require I stop breastfeeding first, ahem) and I have a giant tub of summer clothes I'll get to wear for the first time in two years. I am, for all intents and purposes, a pretty happy size 10.

But I wonder how much farther I could go.

I'm not sure I didn't try to lose more the first time around. I think I hit a plateau, plus I thought I looked great (for someone who had always been a size 14, mind you, not a former size 6 making peace with her size 10 self) and, I don't know, I was happy. Thinner didn't feel necessary.

Thinner still doesn't feel necessary, but it does feel possible. Why? Because I'm EXERCISING. I think I can pin all my wobbly ambivalency on exercising. The last time I was getting this much exercise was when I was a high school basketball player, and back then I was coming home from practice and cancelling out the hard work with PopTarts. (Tangent: Do you know how long it's been since I ate a PopTart? YEARS. Because I can, and I am not exaggerating, eat an ENTIRE BOX AT ONCE.)

Anyway! I am still running a few times a week (not so much with the shredding, maybe more on that later) and I feel like I can't HELP but lose more weight if I keep up the running. I mean, I am two pounds UNDER my goal weight and I'm still breastfeeding. If my previous experience is anything to go by (and it might not be, I understand that) I will lose more weight when I wean Molly, especially if I keep exercising. I could not shake my last 10 Jack pounds until I stopped breastfeeding him, and then it was easy. (Well, you know. RELATIVELY easy.) If I'm 2 pounds under my Molly weight and I haven't even stopped feeding her, you see how I might marvel at the possibilities.

I never once believed, not even while I was DOING IT, that I might be able to run a mile without stopping. Or two miles. And that one day I'd look at the lake by my house and think, "Yeah, maybe I'll be able to run around the lake by the summer." Am I kidding? ME? And I can't help but think, "What else is possible?"

I don't believe I will ever wear size 4 jeans. I don't believe I will ever run a marathon. (And seriously, you marathoners, ARE YOU INSANE?) I am very much okay with those things. But maybe I could be a size 8. Maybe I could run around the lake. And I feel like I should find out.

ON THE OTHER HAND.

I'm afraid. I'm happy being this size (although not as happy as I was the first time I was this size, simply because of the possibilities, pls see the above.) And I know how to maintain this size. I know which foods are okay for me, which ones aren't, which junk foods affect me more than others. I know I can run half an hour on the treadmill. These are things I can do. What if I push myself to lose more, run farther or longer, and I can't? Or worse, I CAN, but I can't maintain it, and I return to a size 10, only to be UNhappy? That would suck.

AND ALSO.

I don't want to get obsessed with my size or my goals. I've never been that kind of girl and I don't care to be. What if I decide my goal is to lose 10 more pounds, but 10 more pounds doesn't put me into Size 8 territory? Will I get fixated? Will I get down on myself? Will I decide 10 was good but 20 would be better? You should know that I'm almost laughing as I type this, because dude, TWENTY MORE POUNDS? Even if I WANTED to that doesn't sound possible! But I read so many weight loss blogs and posts and they all warn against obsessing about numbers, and I don't want to push myself into that zone. I don't want to be All Weight Loss All The Time.

Oh, and then to go back to my motivation crisis... It's weird knowing I still want to lose weight, but not knowing how much, which in turn creates a distinct lack of motivation. I stay away from trouble foods because I've worked too hard to gain the weight back. And I exercise because I can't bear to have to start all over again one day. (Which is why I think I've been running more than Shredding- even though I know I'll be sore when I do another Shred, I'm more proud of the running and would feel the loss of my accomplishment there much more. You: What about the loss of GRAMMAR? SHEESH.)

So, Exercise Mavens? How do you know when enough is enough? And what should be next short term goal be?

Comments

[Jen]

Would it work if you just stopped thinking in terms of goals and just kind of kept going to see what happens? Now that the diet and exercise seem to be a little more routine, you could just keep them in your routine and not worry about actually losing more weight, but just think of it as Healthy, doing that exercise thing that all the doctors recommend no matter what weight you are.

[Elsha]

I'm in the same sort of phase. I've lost the baby weight but I'm not sure what to make my next goal. I'm still about 40 lbs above my starting college weight (8 years ago) but I'm not sure I'm ambitious enough to go for all 40. At that point I was tiny and I think it would be too much effort to maintain that again. It's sort of weird right now though because I'm still watching calories but we're also not avoiding baby #2 so I'm not being as hard core about the calorie counting as I was. Anyway, I don't think I'm giving advice so much as rambling here. I hope other people have more helpful things to say than I did:)

[Meghan]

I wonder if you'll hit another plateau, and maybe that would be a good time to say enough? Your body, it seems, should tell you when it's done, and you clearly aren't going to have time to up the exercise to overcome a plateau (I'm just guessing :)). Maybe let that be the "number" or size that is right. Not very helpful, sorry. :)

[Charlotte]

Okay, close your eyes (well maybe not close them, you need to read and all) it's okay. Chant it. NOW. Yes, I just said that last bit sternly and out loud. It's okay not because I'm a liar or permanently scarred optimistic by the state of my affairs, but because it is. Why not just do what you feel comfortable doing? Yes, that sounds easier than it is but hang a little willy nilly for two weeks or so, no scales, continue your habits, see what happens. Take away the charting, take away the goals, just concentrate on what feels good. Well, as long as what feels good doesn't involve a ganache of some sort. Or maybe it does. You're a wild hot(ter) before thirty woman, you ain't need no rules! Perhaps grammatical, I just cringed typing that, but still.

[Lindsay]

Oooo lots of good points from people. What I would add (and this is really advice for myself) is that if you decide to go for the gusto and see how far you can go, just make sure you keep appreciating your body for what it is now, and not just what it is in terms of a jeans size. It seems like every week a person hears about someone new who can't get pregnant or just got diagnosed with something scary or is plagued by mental health issues. Hearing all that stuff makes me thankful I even have the option to have to drag my butt to the gym or deal with losing pregnancy weight one day. When I think about things that way I already feel like I have a perfect body so far in life. I don't think it's bad for you to want a certain number or more, just make sure you keep perspective like you've been doing thus far.

[Becky]

At this point, I'd say the goal is the most difficult of all... maintenance and toning. If you make it your goal to eat healthy and exercise... well, then you don't have to worry about hitting a specific number. The more toned you are, the better your size 10s will fit. And if they start to get small? then you go buy size 8s.

Keep challenging yourself physically - maybe sign up for a 5K race. Who knows, you might like it!

[Mykal]

I agree with signing up for a 5k race. It's a goal so you have something to focus on, but it's not exactly about the weight anymore, just staying healthy. And it's something you can do a couple of times a year, there's always tons of races to sign up and look forward too(if you end up liking running in races.) I did my first race five years ago, some years I'll race like a fiend, other years maybe just 1, but I love the feeling of finishing a race(I'm extremely slow in case you are curious) and it helps keep me healthy. Granted I don't have kids so I have all the free time in the world to do this crap.

[Jess]

Maybe now that you're at a weight you're comfortable with, and living a healthy lifestyle, you can just focus on the exercise without the weight loss? I mean, if the weight loss comes with it that's fine, but there are tons of other reasons to exercise, like it's good for your heart and your muscles and your stamina and the adrenaline rush is awesome, etc. Thin people who don't want to get any thinner still exercise and that's fine too. You know? It doesn't always have to be about the weight loss. So maybe a shift in perspective would help?