Weigh in today because I just happened to get on the scale and instead of seeing Eating My Feelings weight I saw My Lowest Weight Post-Emma. 167! Woo! Take THAT, Lemon Bars!
I haven't been trying. I mean, I've been running, but that's for mental health right now, not so much for weight loss. And I've been eating everything in sight - also for mental health. What - eating your feelings is not a recommended positive mental health strategy? IT IS WORKING FOR ME.
I'm 4 pounds from my pre-Molly weight and 12 from my pre-Emma weight. And a quick read through my HB30 archives tells me that I'm not TONS slower doing this than I was the last time. It's true that I have farther to go with Emma, but I was starting at the same post-pregnancy weight with both Molly and Emma. With Molly I lost it in 5 months, with Emma I'm hoping to lose it by month 7. I don't think that's TOO far off, do you? She's six months tomorrow - could I lose four more pounds by 7 months? That's the goal.
And I do hope to lose the rest too, but I'm okay with the slowness of that.
What I've been thinking a little bit about lately is fitness... clearly just losing the baby weight is not going to get me the fitness I had post-Molly, when I was doing some sort of strength training video nearly as often as I was running. I had arm muscles! That was awesome!
I would like to have arm muscles again. And I realize that I have off and on moments with those videos. There are days (weeks) when running feels easier, so I choose that. Or days when a video sounds faster so I choose that. I feel reluctant to put myself into a regimen again, where I'm determined to look a certain way by a certain time. Wait - that's exactly what I'm doing. Maybe what I feel is reluctant to match what I was before Emma. My life is a lot different now and I don't have this HB30 goal prodding me forwards. I DO want to lose the baby weight, but now that I've DONE the HB30 thing and I know what that's like, I'm not dying of curiousity anymore. I already know what a size medium button down shirt feels like, if that makes sense.
And it's not that it doesn't feel awesome. I'm not going to lie- losing weight made me happier. A cosmetic happier, to be sure, but I ENJOYED IT and clothes were more fun and I had more confidence and I felt better blah blah blah. I do want that happy again.
But having done it before, I can also say that I know it doesn't make me a better person. Which is more important to me than happy. I think, in some ways, it messed with my ongoing pursuit of being a better person. I had body image thoughts I'd never had before. I was super into how I looked. I made judgments about other people. I DID NOT LIKE that part of losing weight.
So there's definitely a part of me that's all, "yes, let's fit into the jeans again and then let's stop."