Breaking Up With Bread

Impromptu weigh in!

Weigh in today because I just happened to get on the scale and instead of seeing Eating My Feelings weight I saw My Lowest Weight Post-Emma. 167! Woo! Take THAT, Lemon Bars!

I haven't been trying. I mean, I've been running, but that's for mental health right now, not so much for weight loss. And I've been eating everything in sight - also for mental health. What - eating your feelings is not a recommended positive mental health strategy? IT IS WORKING FOR ME.

I'm 4 pounds from my pre-Molly weight and 12 from my pre-Emma weight. And a quick read through my HB30 archives tells me that I'm not TONS slower doing this than I was the last time. It's true that I have farther to go with Emma, but I was starting at the same post-pregnancy weight with both Molly and Emma. With Molly I lost it in 5 months, with Emma I'm hoping to lose it by month 7. I don't think that's TOO far off, do you? She's six months tomorrow - could I lose four more pounds by 7 months? That's the goal. 

And I do hope to lose the rest too, but I'm okay with the slowness of that. 

What I've been thinking a little bit about lately is fitness... clearly just losing the baby weight is not going to get me the fitness I had post-Molly, when I was doing some sort of strength training video nearly as often as I was running. I had arm muscles! That was awesome! 

I would like to have arm muscles again. And I realize that I have off and on moments with those videos. There are days (weeks) when running feels easier, so I choose that. Or days when a video sounds faster so I choose that. I feel reluctant to put myself into a regimen again, where I'm determined to look a certain way by a certain time. Wait - that's exactly what I'm doing. Maybe what I feel is reluctant to match what I was before Emma. My life is a lot different now and I don't have this HB30 goal prodding me forwards. I DO want to lose the baby weight, but now that I've DONE the HB30 thing and I know what that's like, I'm not dying of curiousity anymore. I already know what a size medium button down shirt feels like, if that makes sense. 

And it's not that it doesn't feel awesome. I'm not going to lie- losing weight made me happier. A cosmetic happier, to be sure, but I ENJOYED IT and clothes were more fun and I had more confidence and I felt better blah blah blah. I do want that happy again. 

But having done it before, I can also say that I know it doesn't make me a better person. Which is more important to me than happy. I think, in some ways, it messed with my ongoing pursuit of being a better person. I had body image thoughts I'd never had before. I was super into how I looked. I made judgments about other people. I DID NOT LIKE that part of losing weight. 

So there's definitely a part of me that's all, "yes, let's fit into the jeans again and then let's stop."  

Self defeating

After a REALLY horrible weekend eating and exercise-wise and gaining a pound, I got it into gear, dropped that pound, and am back to my lowest weight post-Emma: 168.5. YAY. Only 5.5 pounds until I reach my pre-Molly and pre-Jack weight. That's the next goal!

So then I had a cookie to celebrate! 

(WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?)

Success!

I'm down 3.5 pounds from my last post. I am now in the one SIXTIES. WAHOO!

I'm weighing in today instead of Monday, because we have a Family Obligation Dim Sum today and let's just say dim sum is not at all weight loss-friendly. (BUT IT IS DELICIOUS.)

After my weekend worshiping at the altar of Trader Joe's Yogurt Pretzels, I came home, went straight to low carb and ran two miles. The next day I was at 170. I feel certain that I did not lose weight OVER the weekend so I'm not entirely sure how that happened, but OBVS, I will TAKE IT. 

And then this week I was pretty strict on the low carb thing AND I managed to exercise every day except yesterday. I was doing Weight Watchers, but each time I've settled on some sort of Eating Management Plan for myself, it only works for so long. So all the other times when I was doing low carb, I would either get so lax or eat so MUCH, that I needed to switch it up. So when I was doing Hot By 30, I took myself off a plateau by switching from low carb to Weight Watchers (also I thought it would teach me how to eat carbs like a normal person, which it did, although I am not a normal person so even though I, uh, INTELLECTUALLY understand that all my points should not be of the carb variety, I was rarely motivated to make that a reality. 

But anyway! This time I needed to switch back to low carb. I was going too far with the kids' snacks and granola bars and other "healthy" things that are actually just Carb Vehicles In Healthy-Ish Clothes. And it's new. New is always good. We'll do this until it no longer works anymore, then we'll do something else. 

I'm 5.5 pounds away from my pre-Molly weight. That seems... not right, somehow. I remember feeling SO SVELTE (or, you know, MY version of svelte) at that weight (and then I dropped another 10ish pounds because of HB30 once I hit my goal weight.) So I understand now that it is not my SVELTEST, but I thought I would be feeling a little more Not So Dumpy at this point. But no, I still feel Rather Dumpy. Seriously, this third baby changed my body in ways 2nd baby did not. Hmm. 

But! Down 3.5 pounds! Let us eat all the dim sum in celebration!!!

Only half super this week

I just ran my best run since I had Emma. Feeling RATHER PROUD. 

The proudness, however, is tempered by: 

1. The frillion baked goods I ate this morning while hanging out with Liz and Tara

2. I have been gaining and losing the same two-ish pounds for the last MONTH

3. It is the END OF FEBRUARY, GET IT TOGETHER WOMAN!

I feel like I am either exercising well or eating well - not both. The last two weeks I've been all over the exercise. I started the Shred again and I totally need to move up to level 2, but I remember hating level 2 more than I hated level 3, so I'm not SUPER motivated to do that. I've done the Shred or ran nearly every day for the last 2 weeks and my body feels a little different, but no change on the scale. Probably due to the aforementioned BAKED GOODS.

Weighing in at 172. Again. Next week? LESS THAN

Valentine's Day = TEMPORARY SETBACK

I told my husband not to get me chocolate, but he still left two Lindt truffles on the kitchen counter this morning AND OF COURSE I ATE THEM. 

I thought I would get a lot of exercise in this weekend since the kids were with grandparents, but I didn't do anything. I need the routine, I think. Exercise only happens when it's part of Every Plain Old Regular Day, not when I have to think EXTRA about 1) when to do it and 2) if I WANT to do it. I am much better at thinking up excuses on the weekend. 

I meant to get back in the swing of things yesterday, but yesterday messed with my routine, even though it was SUPPOSED to be a Plain Old Regular Day. The kids that never nap DID nap and the baby who is supposed to nap did not, plus Phillip got home an hour late and since I usually exercise when he gets home it just... didn't work out. 

And today, well... there are a lot of treats in my future today. 

I always think: there's tomorrow! I can do well TOMORROW! But seriously, at this rate tomorrow is going to be JULY. 

I am going to do the shred this afternoon, even if I have to do it with the kids. They did it with me the first time and it actually wasn't horrible (and in some places made it better!) I am also planning to stay away from chocolate (only TWO Lindt truffles!) and luckily the cookies I'm going to make with the kids this morning are sugar cookies which are my least favorite kind. I mean, I'll probably eat them anyway, but at least I won't eat ALL of them. Right? 

Sometimes I think I need my jaw wired shut. Or selectively wired shut. Ie: around things made of sugar and butter. YUM.

Happy Valentine's Day!

No more Mrs. Nice Diet

All right. I've had enough. And it occurs to me that my biggest problem right now is that I keep thinking: I'm fine! No one cares! I don't care! I WILL EAT THIS ENTIRE BAG OF LINDT TRUFFLES! There's always TOMORROW!

Except "tomorrow" has stretched out to "the middle of February" and holy gee do I want to fit into my pants again. In fact, at this point, Fitting Into My Pants is my only goal. I DO NOT WANT TO BUY NEW PANTS!!!

So this is why I am just going to give you all my stats. Mortification is a great motivator, in my experience. 

I started seriously attempting to lose the baby weight at 189 pounds. I broke 200 during pregnancy, but I don't remember stepping on the scale until about four or five weeks post-partum. So. 189. 

How many weeks later I've dropped 17 pounds and I've been hanging out at 172 for several weeks now. I should add that one of those weeks I went to Palm Springs and GAINED five pounds (everyone should stay at my hotel for the FOOD, OMG) and while I'm proud to say I worked hard and lost those 5 pounds super quick, I haven't pushed beyond. I need to push beyond, folks. Do I need to mention my pants again? 

The goal is 155. The lowest weight I ever hit during my Hot By Thirty year was 149 and that was... hard won. In fact, I am not at ALL interested in doing what it took to get to 149. I was not happier at 149. I was on a strict Weight Watchers track and shredding or running every day and just the amount of MENTAL energy required to stay at 149 was tremendous. And you know what? 149 was STILL at the TOP of my recommended BMI range! BLARGH! When I think about it now I think: 149 does not SOUND thin. I didn't get to drop another size.  I was STILL a tenth of a point below the highest number in my BMI range. DOUBLE BLARGH!

(I mean, we all know BMI is a bunch of HOKEY HOKINESS but I like throwing that anecdote out there ANYWAY.)

So!

155 is where 1) I felt like I could maintain it without too much hassle and 2) my pants fit. I seemed to settle back to this weight whenever I lost or gained a few pounds and I was happy. The end. 

But I am not going to get there at this rate. TORTURED SIGH. 

I APPEAR to be eating well, but I will gorge on cookies or fresh baked bread or chocolate Phillip brings home to make up for the fact that he left me alone with the children while he went out with friends. I eat when I'm lonely or bored or unhappy, which was a lot of the time last month. I don't try to eat well in restaurants. I remember during my HB30 days there were WEEKS when I didn't eat sugar. I think I've eaten sugar every day since Emma was born! I LIKE SUGAR!!!

Also, this body is a little different than the one I ended up with after Molly. I don't know if it's a third kid? Or if I'm just noticing things more? But it's ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that I am not going to fit into my pants just by treadmilling. I mean, I will shrink, I know that, but I will still have the same SHAPE and I would like to, ah, tweak this shape a bit. If possible! I do know that the Shred (and No More Trouble Zones - I AM a Jillian devotee) REALLY got me into shape so (drum roll) I just did my second Shred in as many days. It did not kill me. I'm feeling pretty proud of myself. So proud I finished off the Lindt Truffles. (I KNOOOOOOW.)

And that's why I'm here. I need some accountability. Just HAVING a weight loss blog is not really doing the job, you know? And that WW tracker isn't around waiting for me to update. 

I'm at peace with not losing this weight as quickly as I did last time. I'm at peace with not being able to DO as much as I did last time. But there is no question I can succeed. PAIN IS FAT LEAVING THE BODY! (or something like that.) 

I need some butt-kicking, Internet! If I come back here and tell you I ate ANOTHER bag of Lindt Truffles I expect some serious lecturing in the comments section. I MEAN IT.

Advocating for the Cookie Diet

TECHNICALLY I'm on Weight Watchers, but this week it sort of morphed into the Cookie Diet. The Cookie Diet is where you eat 80% cookies/cookie dough/fudge/the crumbs from the bar cookies you are cutting and putting in the freezer for your Christmas party, and 20% "oh crap I'm supposed to be on Weight Watchers, I better eat an apple. Zero points!" And let me tell you, IT IS WORKING. 

I'm down a pound and a half this week. Ta-DA!

Well, I was actually down a pound and a half several days ago when the Cookie Diet MAY OR MAY NOT have caught up with me. I'm just saying that I might have overdone it one day. Possibly. But I lost enough to get another loss on the boards this week. Wahoo!

My cheapie H&M little black dress, the one I plan to wear to the party, fits. Well, it fits if I am wearing an Actual Bra instead of a Nursing Bra (YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.) But now I'm not really wanting to wear that dress because it's BORRRRRING. I either need to get something new (which - I do not want to spend $$$ on a size that I hope I won't be for very long) or I need to get me some fishnets and glittery shoes. SOMETHING. 

I am also thinking about Spanx. OH YES. I kind of feel like this post-partum body is a little... ah, jigglier? than my previous ones. I like to think my body makes up for gaining obscene amounts of weight with other things, like no stretch marks. And my doctor would always say, "This does not look like the stomach of a woman who had two children!" I tipped her after that one. (And then I had to kick some back to Jillian.) BUT THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT. Third Baby feels like The Straw That Broke My Muscle Tone. 

I have yet to break open one of my workout DVDs... to be honest, it's still hard to find a time when I'm totally free to exercise. I want to do the Shred again, I also want to open No More Trouble Zones. But I know that cardio (the dreaded treadmill) is going to help me the most, so most of my finding-time-to-exercise energy is directed that way. Now I have a new watching-a-show-on-the-laptop set up and/or speakers for music. 

Anyway. I am not losing weight as quickly as I did with Molly, but at least I'm losing SOMETHING. I may not be as FIT as I was when I was losing weight with Molly, but I'm hoping to get into that groove eventually. I hauled out all my size 8 pants out of their sad little cardboard box tonight. Not because I can fit into them (HAHAHAHAHAHA) but I want to see what I'm working for. 

UPWARDS AND ONWARDS!

I need a cookie strategy

I did awesome last week, right? And then yesterday? YESTERDAY I RAN. For the first time in forever. Without stopping. I was so proud of me! And this morning I was down another half pound. 

THEN I MADE CHRISTMAS COOKIES. 

I seem to recall an autumn or two when I could make cookies and STILL lose weight. I think I had three times as much willpower or something. Because now? Not so much. They weren't even the GOOD kind of Christmas cookies. No, they just contained butter and sugar and flour and therefore I must stuff my face. 

I can't just say "I'll have one bite" and put it away either. I'm an all or nothing eater. I either need NO COOKIES ANYWHERE or I need to EAT ALL THE COOKIES, SCREW THE DIET. The problem is I can't get rid of the cookies. I always make Christmas cookies. Christmas is not Christmas without the cookies. Besides, I need them for the Christmas party and neighbor gifts and I need leftover thumbprints to take to Christmas Eve at my parents' house. I JUST DO. 

So what am I going to do? Seriously, I totally just gave up today. Three or four bites of cookie dough later I was all, "WHATEVER. I've already ruined this day, why not make it count?" 

I am wondering if I need to make my cookies with my sister or a friend. But are they a strong enough shame factor? They'd probably be eating it right along with me! Maybe the time of day - no cookie making after hours. Maybe only make cookies with Jack and Molly, because they have Dough Radar and know when I've sneaked a bite. 

I don't know. It's one thing to go crazy on Thanksgiving or at a party, it's another to just eat all the cookies because they are THERE. 

I'm not SUPER bummed, because tomorrow is another day and it's early on in my week and I can take care of it and move forward. But not if I keep making cookies. 

GAK.

I finally weighed in

Just a super quick post to say: 

I LOST WEIGHT, SUCKAS! 

I lost weight during Thanksgiving week. Two pounds! I CAN DO THIS. I even ran today - 20 minutes at a reeeeeally slow pace, but 20 minutes nonetheless. That's MORE than a mile!

 

Change of plans

I've used the treadmill. Twice! And did not die! One time I ran, one time I walked, but fast and uphill. (Also in the snow. Hee. Am feeling hilarious tonight.) 

But I also ate, like, EVERYTHING. 

I gave up cheese and milk and most other dairy items for Emma, but honestly? I don't really know if it's having an effect. In general I am REALLY BAD at diagnosing things. I almost never put two and two together when it comes to health so I really honestly have no idea if anything is having any effect whatsoever. We seem to have an equal number of good and bad days. There is no napping or nighttime consistency yet. I go back and forth on whether we are aiming for consistency or if consistency is even possible at eight weeks old. It sure would be nice if I could get a consistent chunk of treadmill time, I'll tell you that much. 

ANYWAY. I don't want to give up the no-dairy thing quite yet, which means no low-carb for me, which means maybe I should try out Weight Watchers again. My history with Weight Watchers is: I lost 30ish pounds doing low carb and exercising, then it stalled out. I thought I would see what all the WW fuss was... and lost another 10ish pounds. I gained 5 back (but I think I went too far anyway, for ME). So I think it could work again. I just feel like I need some RULES. I'm pretty good at not gaining weight without rules. Like right now, I generally know what I'm eating and doing and I haven't GAINED any weight back. But I'm not losing any either. To lose I need rules and guidelines and shame. Lots and lots of shame. 

I would like to lose enough for the cheapie H&M party dress I bought during the Hunt For Baptism Clothes a while back. It mostly fits, but another couple pounds would make it more comfortable. That's the goal for now. "Another couple pounds" sounds way more doable than "thirty" and short term goals feel more doable than the long ones. I can do this. 

Oh, and I KNOW I'm starting this during Thanksgiving, but the truth is that I am not a huge fan of Thanksgiving food. For me the problem is going to be the fact that we are driving to my brother's house for Thanksgiving, several hours away, which means CAR SNACKS. Also RESTAURANT STOPS. And maybe I won't tank up on turkey and I REALLY don't like pumpkin pie, but I've been hearing something about pumpkin cheesecake and that sounds really dangerous. 

But if not now, when? HMM?

I have running shoes, socks, and a sports bra hanging out by my treadmill, for whenver the mood - or, should I say, opportunity- strikes. I have a food plan, I think. Fingers crossed. I don't have ALL the motivation, but I have some. I'm also reminding myself that I am not on the crazy meds and the baby high won't last forever and running is the thing that made me normal for so long. RELATIVELY NORMAL. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 

Hopefully next week will be an ACTUAL weigh in with an ACTUAL loss. !!!